Lyrics:

'Loons is loons the warld 'roond
But Rothes loons is buggers'
The whisky pipe got drilled one night
And the hale toon gathered roond
The pipe got drilled, and the pots got filled,
And they a' got fu' thegither

Now Major Grant was a decent soul
And the toonfolk loved him well
So why they did this terrible thing
Not one of them could tell
But whisky flowing through a pipe

Suspended in mid-air
Was just a touch temptation
More than some of them could bear

Loons is loons...

Some men dream of a bottle of drams
Some men dream of a still
But what could please a body more
Than an auger and a drill
You'd never need to do any work
And neither buy nor sell
But just enjoy the trickle and flow
Of your very own 'secret well'

Loons is loons...

But the Rothes loons upset the Lord
Wi' their wicked, sinful deeds
An' retribution came to them a'
In the form of achin' heids
So they made a contract wi' the Lord
To leave the pipe on Sunday
For a double score the night before
Would see them through till Monday

'Loons is loons the warld 'roond
But Rothes loons is buggers'
The whisky pipe got drilled one night
And the hale toon gathered roond
The pipe got drilled, and the pots got filled,
And they a' got fu' - roarin' fu -
The air was blue - what a hullabaloo -
Big galoots - pissed as newts
Suckin' it oot o' clarty cloots -
And they a' got fu' thegither!