Lyrics:

If anyone can show me one example in the history of the world
of a single psychic who has been able to prove
under reasonable experimental conditions
that they are able to read minds

And if anyone can show me one example in the history of the world
of a single astrologer who has been able to prove
under reasonable experimental conditions
that they can predict future events
by interpreting celestial signs

And if anyone can show me one example in the history of the world
of a single homeopathic practitioner who has been able to prove
under reasonable experimental conditions
that solutions made up of infinitely tiny particles of good stuff
dissolved repeatedly into relatively huge quantities of water
have a consistently higher medicinal value
than a similarly administered placebo

And if anyone can show me one example in the entire history of the world
of a single spiritual or religious person who has been able to show
either empirically or logically the existence of a higher power
that has any consciousness or interest in the human race
or ability to punish or reward humans for their moral choices
or that there is any reason, other than fear, to believe in any version of an afterlife

I will give you my piano,
One of my legs
And my wife