Lyrics:

There was one in the gang who had Scalextric
And because of that he thought he was better than you
Every day after school youd go round there to play it
Hoping to compete for some kind of championship
But it always took about fifteen billion hours to set the track up
And even when you did the thing never seemed to work

It was a dodgy transformer again and again
A dodgy transformer again and again
It was a dodgy transformer again and again
A dodgy transformer that cost three pound ten

So hed send his doting mother up the stairs with the stepladders
To get the Subbuteo out of the loft
He had all the accessories required for that big match atmosphere
The crowd and the dugout and the floodlights too
Youd always get palmed off with a headless centre forward
And a goalkeeper with no arms and a face like his

And hed managed to get hold of a Dukla Prague away kit
Cos his uncle owned a sports shop and hed kept it to one side
And after only five minutes youd be down to ten men
Cos hed sent off your right back for taking the base from under his left winger
And come to half time you were losing four-nil
Each and every goal a hotly disputed penalty
So youd smash up the floodlights and the match was abandoned
And the dog would bark and youd be banned from his house
And your travelling army of synthetic supporters
Would be taken away from you and thrown in the bin

Now hes working in a job with a future
He hands me my Giro every two weeks
And me Im on the lookout for a proper transformer &errr