Lyrics:

Dragging my guitar round maternity ward
I was in search of the umbilical chord
But it was all in vain so I jumped on a train
And when I reached my home the kids were on the patio
Looking quite upset, so I asked them what was wrong
And they said: "Beware, there's an Albert Hammond bootleg in the house in there
An Albert Hammond bootleg in the house
Some man who introduced himself as Stanley Rous came in
And left this Albert Hammond bootleg in the house"

Talking to a girl on the south coast of France
She was on an 18-30 but I still took a chance
But on the last night 'neath the stars of Marseilles
She said that Robin Askwith was funny

Oh god how I longed for a dangerous wave
So I could surf myself towards an early grave
I would rather talk to plankton than to dance with you
I hope your plane back home's a DC10

Oh god how I longed for a dangerous wave
So I could surf myself towards an early grave
I would rather talk to plankton than to dance with you
I hope your plane back home's a DC10

Oh-oh-oh oh-oh
Oh-oh-oh oh-oh
Oh-oh-oh oh-oh
Oh-oh-oh oh-oh
Oh-oh-oh oh-oh
Oh-oh-oh oh-oh
Oh-oh-oh oh-oh really

Out of pure curiosity I dug up Logie Baird
And I asked him what petrified forests see
To make them all so scared