Lyrics:

The fit bird at Tesco with the massive tits said she'd meet me tonight
And she'd ring me at six,
The phone's rung twice, I haven't picked it up,
'Coz I'm sitting here staring at a toilet duck
There's a turd hanging out of my arse
I've strained and I've pushed 'til my sphincter bled
There's a turd hanging out of my arse
It won't come out, it won't go back, its turtle's heads

Then I had a visit from a man in a suit, he said:
'Is anyone at home? I'm from Littlewood's Pools.'
He never heard me screaming, or the toilet flush
So I threw him a message on a dirty bog brush,
It said:
There's a turd hanging out of my arse
I've strained and I've pushed 'til my sphincter bled
There's a turd hanging out of my arse
It won't come out, it won't go back, its turtle's heads

The window cleaner's coming, its time to finish,
I'm off down the local for a pint of Guinness
The fit bird from Tesco says she wants a quick shag
Sticks her tongue down my throat, and her hands down my bags.
There's still a turd hanging out of my arse
I've strained and I've pushed 'til my sphincter bled
There's a turd hanging out of my arse
It won't come out, it won't go back, its turtle's heads

Turtles heads, turtles heads, hanging down my leg