Lyrics:

Performed by: Bob Guy

Doris, get out your poison pen and take a letter. I
have to write to Count Dracula. You know he wrote
me a letter of that sort...

Dear Count Dracula,
I am writing to you from Cucamonga... Ha-ha!
Cucamonga? The weather is lovely. The nausea
of noon. The wind is always blowing and the
sun never shines. And it's rainy and damp four
hundred days of the year.
I enjoyed the party very much. Especially the
sumptuous feast you had prepared. It was
thrilling. From the first appetizers, the 'Chicken
Fried Grub Worms,' on through the dessert,
ohhhh... 'Blood Pudding!' Oh, I love 'Blood
Pudding!' Oh, yes! It was a masterpiece of
culinary skill.
Although I... I was worried for a moment when
you... you said the main course was... 'Fish and
Chips.' We are not THAT plebeian in Cucamonga.
But my fears were quickly allayed when I discov-
ered to my delight it was 'Silverfish and Buffalo
Chips!' Ho-ho! Oh, unique! Oh, they're so
squirmy! Oh-ho-ho! Oh, the first one went
down easy, but the second one was greasy!
Ho-ho-ho...!
Oh my... Oh, I'm getting carried away, because
I... I really must apologise for getting tipsy and
singing. But I have always wanted to be the
DEATH of the party.

Uh, when you hear the pellets drop, count ten and
take a deep breath