Lyrics:

(And three, four)


Lonely, unmarried, looking for love
Life was passing me by
So I sent off my photo, hobbies, and age
Magazine marriage I tried
They say for centuries, lovely Japanese girls
Have been trained in the art of pleasing men
Be lonely no more, open destiny's door
For one dollar, they arrange a meeting

My image was wrong, I didn't like me
So I changed my personality
I bought a deluxe Merseybeat wig
But it was a size too big
What confidence in my new built-up shoes
So smart for winter or summer
Undetectable in normal everyday use
Look out, there's a monster coming

Bye-bye, binoculars and Macintosh
Everything is just great
I take elocution, learn to speak posh
But still, I can't find a mate
Be popular, learn to play the guitar
In seven days, you could be strumming
Be sociable, learn kissing technique
Look out, there's a monster coming


For my Carnaby clothes, I reshaped my nose
Plastic surgery's best
To cut down my weight, off comes my left leg
I pass a swimming costume test
Are my sideboards too long?
Don't my aftershave pong?
I know my new nose ain't runnin'
What's wrong with my tie?
Am I getting too high?
Look out, there's a monster coming

Disfiguring and ugly, my facial hair
I had removed electrically
I rejuvenated my energy cells
And regained my virility, grunt, grunt
He put my hand on my heart
I hadn't changed any part
He had a machine for a mummy
Please be gentle with me
I come to pieces, literally
Look out, there's a monster coming

Look out, there's a monster coming
Look out, there's a monster coming
Look out, there's a monster coming
Look out, there's a monster coming
Look out, there's a monster coming
Look out, there's a monster coming
Look out, there's a monster coming
Look out, there's a monster coming