Lyrics:

So you think your going tae the North to spend a holiday
Cause your vaguely Scottish on your Mother's side
And you've heard of ancient glories both renowned in song and story
Kilts and Haggis, Andy Stewart and Rock Clyde

Ye go up by Crye and Larrick that's the gateway to North
And the scenery with please your eyes I'm sure
Ye take oot your picnic basket cause your car has blown a gasket
In the middle of a place called Rannoch Moor

So you telephone the garage listed in the tourist guide
That was published for you by the R.A.C.
But by design or by intention or they just forgot to mention
That the garage closes down by half past three

So you're towed behind this tractor to a corrugated shed
That's surrounded by farm implements and carts
And you scratch your head and wonder why you ever bought a Honda
Cause they'll to send to Tokyo for the parts

So you board the train for Obin and get the boat to Mull
Feeling like you've had a night upon the tiles
You paid eighty pence for coffee with a tang of diesel oil
You're experiencing the swindle of the Isles.

But pulse begins to quicken with the thoughts of berry pickin'
So you take a trip to Gorry for a spell
With some Wellies of your mother's the she bought at Ally Brothers
And a Gideon Bible pinched from your hotel

So you're stand pickin' rasps being stung to death by wasps
The midges and the clags are makin' free
And the bairns have ate the berries and contracted dysentery
Cause last week they sprayed the crop with DDT

So you're heading back to Birmingham more water logged than tanned
But no signs of habitation can you see
When you thought you were in Barrick your were actually in Larrick
Cause some vandal change the signpost in Dundee