Lyrics:

A fine romance, with no kisses.
A fine romance, my friend, this is.
We should be like a couple of hot tomatoes.
But you're as cold as yesterday's mashed potatoes.

A fine romance, you won't nestle.
A fine romance, you won't wrestle.
I've never mussed a crease in your blue serge pants.
I never had the chance.
This is a fine romance.

A fine romance, my good fellow.
You take romance. I'll take Jell-o.
You're calmer than the seals in the Arctic Ocean.
At least they flap their fins to express emotion.

A fine romance, with no quarrels,
With no insults, and all the morals.
You're just as hard to land as the Ile de France.
I never get the chance.
This is a fine romance.

A fine romance, with no kisses.
A fine romance, my friend, this is.
True love should have the thrills that a healthy crime has.
We don't have half the thrills that 'The March of Time' has.

A fine romance, with no clinches.
A fine romance, with no pinches.
You never give the orchids I send a glance.
No, you like cactus plants.
This is a fine romance.