Lyrics:

A walk through the product store
And fifteen aisles to see
All the pretty, pretty packages
Staring back at me
Which is my favorite?
Where is my chance
To remove the product
And stick it in my pants?

'Cause I want to see
What's on sale? What's for free?
Every time I go to shop
I steal from enemies
Who steal from me
And from you
If you only knew
Then you would steal, too

Adrenaline rushes
The product's in my grip
I am only shopping
But now it's time to lift
Look for my moment
And down my pants, I stick
The product I've selected
Is concealed against my dick

'Cause I want to see
What's on sale? What's for free?
Every time I go to shop
I steal from enemies
Who steal from me
And from you
If you only knew
Then you would steal, too

Paranoid as fuck, security in tow
Is he really trailing me, and does he really know?
Of my little secret: my pride and his shame
This is so exciting, it's like a fuckin' game
I'm almost to the counter, will I make it to the door?
Will I get away like a million times before?
Or will I be caught, jailed, banned from the store?
Like if the product I've selected slips and crashes to the floor

Five-finger discount!

Yeah, I want to see
What's on sale? What's for free?
Every time I go to shop
I steal from enemies
Who steal from me
And from you
If you only knew
Then you would steal, too

Paranoid as fuck, security in tow
Is he really trailing me, and does he really know?
Of my little secret: my pride and his shame
This is so exciting, it's like a fuckin' game
I'm almost to the counter, will I make it to the door?
Will I get away like a million times before?
Or will I be caught, jailed, banned from the store?
Like if the product I've selected slips and crashes to the floor

I get to the door and out the door I slide
I feel a sense of dignity, I feel a sense of pride
I do a happy dance and down the street I bail
As I have a little feast of what's on sale!