Lyrics:

Anya:
This is the man that I plan to entangle
Isn't he fine?
My claim to fame was to maim and to mangle
Vengeance was mine
But I’m out of the biz
The name I made I'll trade for his
The only trouble is...
I’ll never tell

Xander:
She is the one
She's such wonderful fun
Such passion and grace
Warm in the night when I’m right in her tight-- embrace,
Tight embrace
I’ll never let her go
The love we've known can only grow
There's just one thing that-- No.
I’ll never tell

Both:
'Cause there's nothing to tell

Anya:
He snores

Xander:
She wheezes

Anya:
Say 'housework,' and he freezes

Xander:
She eats these Skeezy cheeses
That I can't describe

Anya:
I talk, He breezes

Xander:
She doesn't know what please is

Anya:
His penis got diseases
From a chumash tribe

Both:
The vibe gets kind of scary

Xander:
Like she thinks I'm ordinary

Anya:
Like it's all just temporary

Xander:
Like her toes are kind of hairy

Both:
But it's all very well
'Cause, god knows, I 'll never tell

Anya:
When things get rough he
Just hides behind his Buffy
Now look, he's getting huffy
'Cause he knows that I know

Xander:
She clings, she's needy
She's also really greedy
She never--

Anya:
His eyes are beady

Xander:
This is my verse, hello?
She--

Anya:
Look at me! I'm dancin' crazy!

Both:
You know

Xander:
You're quite the charmer

Anya:
My knight in armour

Xander:
You're the cutest of the scoobies
With your lips as red as rubies
And your firm yet supple -- Tight embrace

Anya:
He's swell

Xander:
She's sweller

Anya:
He'll always be my feller

Xander:
That's why I’ll never tell her
That I’m petrified

Anya:
I’ve read this tale
There's wedding then betrayal
I know there'll come the day I'll
Want to run and hide

Both:
I lied
I said it's easy
I’ve tried
But there's these fears I can't quell

Xander:
Is she looking for a pot of gold?

Anya:
Will I look good when I’ve gotten old?

Xander:
Will our lives become too stressful
If I’m never that successful?

Anya:
When I get so worn and wrinkly
That I look like David Brinkley

Xander:
Am I crazy?

Anya:
Am I dreamin'?

Xander:
Am I marrying a demon?

Both:
We could really raise the beam in
Makin' marriage a hell
So, thank god, I'll never tell
I swear that I’ll never tell

Xander:
My lips are sealed

Anya:
I take the fifth

Xander:
Nothing to see,
Move it along

Both:
I’ll never
Tell