Lyrics:

Kidnapped!
I was kidnapped.
I dreamed I was kidnapped.
By a guy with a moustache
And a chick with an eyepatch
Who though they could trade me back
For some quick cash.
But when they relayed the bargain
My family said,
'we'll pay half that'

The haggling went on for days,
The days went on for weeks
And weeks for years.
Riding in the trunk was never fun
But soon I plum ran out of tears.
They camped us in the woods
We cooked canned goods
They never threatened me with pain.
They treated cops politely
Driving nightly
Always using coded names.
So if slowly I could trust them
Dare I say it even love them
Who's to blame.

I learned my alphabet
And letterset while setting up
My latest ransom note.
They got me correspondence classes,
Got me glasses,
Gave me dropcloths in the cold.
My fondest memories
Are from my hostage crises
I know it's strange.
Although we got so close
You know they never even
Told me their real names.