Lyrics:

If your ass is a Chinese restaurant, I'll have the Poo Poo Platter

My friend Jerry Vandergrift kissed me in Home Ec class
Later in the afternoon some jarheads in the locker room kicked my ass
I said guys I'm like you I like Monster Trucks too
Wanna see how many pushups I can do?
I just wish I was queer so I could get

Chicks dig guys that are
Queer guys that don't dig
Chicks that don't dig guys like me
See I'm not queer I'm too ugly

But if I were handsome just imagine how great it would be
Incognito as a gay though but not actually that way though pseudo homo phony
Maybe it's a stupid theory or maybe just stupidity
But if I was a queerbee in the fashion industry
Scoring with a supermodel would be easy

'Cause supermodel means voluptuous but also is synonymous with superdumb
Ya see I'd be a good listener so she'd treat me like a sister and soon I'd become
That trusted friend that cares that rubs her back and braids her hair
No it wouldn't take a week before I'm in her underwear
I wish I was queer so I could get

Chicks dig guys that are
Queer guys that don't dig
Chicks that don't dig guys like me
See I'm not queer I'm too ugly

Doesn't matter what I'm packin' in my denim it's what's in my genes
The only smoked meat the only sausage I would eat is made by Jimmy Dean
See I'm not too keen on the smell of Vaseline
No I'm not Princess Di and I don't wanna be a queen
I just wish I was queer so I could get chicks

Anyway if I were gay I'd have to change my name to Dirk or Lewis
Hang out with my mom's hair stylist his name is Kip he's got a lisp he talks like thith
And wear my mother's lingerie learn the songs of Broadway
And appreciate Depeche Mode and avant-garde ballet
I wish I was queer so I could get

Chicks dig guys that are
Queer guys that don't dig
Chicks dig guys that are
Queer guys that don't dig
Chicks dig guys that are
Queer guys that don't dig
Chicks that don't dig guys like me
See I'm not queer I'm too ugly

And I don't shave my heiny
Don't shave my heiny
See I'm not queer I'm too ugly

And I don't shave my heiny
Don't shave my heiny
See I'm not queer I'm too ugly

And I don't shave my heiny
Don't shave my heiny
See I'm not queer I'm too ugly