Lyrics:

And I understand I've been cursing throughout my set tonight. Again
I don't mean to offend, but we are all adults here. I think it's
Alright. I don't find offense with words, with empty words. It's no
Problem. I said "fuck" at a show in northern Nevada at a casino, and
This woman gets all pissed off, kicks her barstool back all
Dramatically, you know. She goes, "Stop cursing!" I'm like, "Miss
What's the issue? It's a comedy show. We're all adults here." She
Goes, "No, we're not." I was like, "Please explain." She went on to
Tell me that her four-year-old son was in the audience that night
Yeah. I said, "Miss, your four-year-old son is in the audience at a
Comedy show in a bar at a casino? He is gonna need the word 'fucked
' Let me tell ya. That is the clearest way to describe his future
Just the word 'fucked.' Could use it one day in the welfare line
All I'm sayin' is give the kid a vocabulary, because..." And we
Don't- I'm not sayin' kids should curse, alright? We should curse at
The right time, you know? Like, we should curse on TV, but during
Adult programming. Like, in Canada, that's what they do. They don't
Curse all the time, like on the news, you know? "How's the weather?
" "Fucking cold, back to you!" You know? They'd be right, 'cause it's
Canada and it's fucking cold, but you don't say that on the news
Oh, and if you've never seen Canadian TV, the production quality has
Really improved ever since they got that second camera. But I do
Respect what they do in terms of censoring. We do it wrong here. We
Like- we took fire out of Beavis and Butt-Head like that was the
Problem, when that kid burned down his house and he killed the two
People who had had sex and forgot about him. Um, well, I can't call
Them parents. I understand that legally they are his parents, but you
Can't just like, "Boop! Have a kid, and done, I'm a parent." You
Can't- possibly, 'cause that was the worst impression of childbirth
Anyone has ever done. I don't know. "Boop! Whee." That was a little
Weak on my- "Boop!" It's like makin' a Pop-Tart. That was a little
. My kids got frosting. Anyway, I'm sure it's more difficult than
That. But I was sitting next- I was on a flight recently, on a flight
, Sitting next to this wiener kid, and his mother's on the other side
Of him, and the kid started kickin' me. Kick, kick, kick. Not
Enjoying this. I turn to the mother, I say, "Hey, miss, can you do
Something?" She goes, "Heh, he's a kicker." I said, "Yeah, yeah
So am I. Make him stop." She didn't. Kid kept kickin' me. Three
Hours in, I'm still gettin' kicked. Just kick, kick-kick, kick-
Kick, kick-kick, kick-kick, kick-kick. Which apparently is Morse
Code for, "My mom is a stupid whore." Just kick, kick-kick, kick
Kick-kick, kick, kick-kick. I'm gettin' sick of this shit. Finally
I turn, I say, "Miss, how 'bout you switch seats with your child
So he can kick the wall or you?" She was horrified. She goes, "
How dare you? He is just a baby." I said, "That's a good point, bitch
But you're not. Switch your damn seat. You wanna see that kid live
To be just a toddler? Switch your damn seat. There are animals out
There that eat their young, and I'm not sayin' we ought to, but
Give it a minute. Um, they only eat two of the six. So what? What
Do we know about those two? Maybe those two kids were gonna grow up
To be assholes. We don't know for sure. They've got instinct
They're just avoiding animal Jerry
Springer. That's all they're doin'."