Lyrics:

I just think honesty is not too much to ask. We have truth ads, right?
We have ads, "The Truth." You've seen those ads? "If you start
Smoking, you'll die at 65 instead of 75. The Truth." Alright, but
That kid's 12. He doesn't care. He can't tell the difference between
65 And 75 anymore than we can tell the difference between 12 and 13
And if you can tell the difference between 12 and 13, they're both
Illegal, get the shit out of your head, alright? If this thing- if
This kid is thinking anything, he's thinking, "Wait a second, 65
Instead of 75, there's no healthcare, and you're taking away social
Security. Bring it the fuck on, alright?" We just gave him an answer
If we want him to actually stop smoking, we would have a different
Ad. An ad that says, "One day, you're gonna wanna have a cigarette
You're gonna have to go outside, and it's gonna be really fucking
Cold. The Truth." That's the whole commercial. Kid's like, "I am
Never smoking again. I live in Canada." Nah, that kid couldn't live
In Canada. They have healthcare. But- and I don't mean to be flippant
About the damage of cigarette smoke. I understand cigarette smoke can
Be a killer. I know this well, personally. I- I know a guy who died
Of secondhand smoke. My friend died of secondhand smoke, of all
Things, 'cause he coughed in a smoker's face and the smoker just beat
The hell out of him. So you have to be careful, because that story
Never happened. But my point- I'm just asking for honesty, that's
All I'm asking for. Just a little honesty, you know, like, we have
Anti-drinking ads and they're nothing that gets people to stop
Drinking. If you're a drinker and you see one of today's anti-
Drinking ads, your reaction is, "Fuck, I could use a beer. That is
A good point. Thank you, tasty beverage commercial, I almost forgot
To have mine today, uh." There are actual effects of drinking that
We don't show. We don't teach kids in school the actual negative
Effects of drinking, like the really bad stuff. That stuff that we
Hide. There are actually things about drinking that will destroy-
There- what about the two words- there- just- that's all you need
For the commercial. Just two words on the screen. Two words and two
Words alone: "Ugly Chicks." That's my anti-drug. And- I like a good
Ugly joke, 'cause no one can get offended without accidentally
Admitting that they are ugly, and nobody is gonna do that. That's
The last group you can get away with making fun of. Nobody stands up
For the rights of their fellow ugly people. It never happens. There
Will never be a Million Ugly March, 'cause it would be terrible. "
You know, I'm ugly and I don't- oh, fuck, I'm ugly!" Like, nobody
Admits to being ugly and if you don't
Believe me, date online. Go ahead