Lyrics:

I can't make fun of India too much
Got problems everywhere
I was in Northfield, Vermont
Smallest town I've ever been to
I put it in MapQuest
They told me to take a right out of my driveway
And go fuck myself
So I did
And got to that gig more relaxed
But my point
Is that I got lost in Northfield
Which is also embarrassing
Because there are only two streets
I was on the wrong one
I had to take a u-turn in some guy's driveway to right myself
And this guy comes running out of his house
And he's like, "You took a u-turn in my driveway!"
I'm like, "I know dude, I was here."
And he's mad at me
So he yells and he goes
"Roll down your window!"
And I had to explain to him
I can't possibly roll down my window
I don't own a shitty car
And I don't know if you are still rolling down your window
I vju down my window like a real man
Anyway, vju, that's a real word
V-S-S-H-H-H, that'll catch on
Anyway, so my window is now down
As happens when you vjit
And the guy is still yelling at me
He goes, "Next time you do that!"
Like I'm ever gonna be there again
"Next time you do that, I'm gonna either tell
The sheriff or you're gonna owe me a dollar."
"A what? A dollar?
A dollar will do this? How old are you?
A dollar? Here's ten, I'm gonna shit in your hallway. Let's go!
I got a twenty, where's your wife? Come on, I got things to do."
No, I wouldn't do that to his wife
She's probably old
But I got to go to Pittsburgh this year
Pittsburgh's always a great time
Don't clap 'til you hear the joke
Are you from Pittsburgh?
Family from Pittsburgh
From inside Pittsburgh or just outside of Pittsburgh?
Outside, so you have family outside of Pittsburgh
Which technically we're all outside of Pittsburgh
Currently
How far outside of Pittsburgh?
Not far
What? Beaver?
That shit's gonna be on the CD

Does your father enjoy beaver?
Absolutely, of course, don't we all?
I-79 cuts right through Pittsburgh
Has stop signs on their highway merge
Stop signs on their highway merge
On the interstate
There's no merge lane
There is stop, there is go
Those are your choices
You think that sounds safe?
Zero to sixty
Now!
You think that's a good idea?
I had to rent a Kia Rio in Pittsburgh
You ever drive that piece of shit?
That thing can't turn left
How am I expected to merge in a Kia Rio?
That car goes zero to sixty
In theory!