Lyrics:

We're so bad at caring for our young, there was a woman who dropped
Her baby into a gorilla pit in Chicago. Yeah, held her baby over a
Gorilla pit. Why don't we start there? Uh, she's holding her baby
Over this fence, and I say fence having never seen the actual gorilla
Pit. But I'm going to assume there was a fence there. Do you know
Why? It's a gorilla pit, exactly, and that is how they fucking build
Them. You don't walk around a zoo, "Gorilla Pit, willy nilly
Everywhere!" No, there is a fence for just such an occasion. But she
Holds her baby over this long drop, and never hold your baby over a
Long drop ever. Who taught us that? Michael Jackson, exactly. In case
We didn't already know that baby plus long drop equal bad, Michael
Jackson took the time out of whatever other fucked up thing he was
Gonna do that day, probably involving a glove and an eight-year-old
We can't be sure. That- that's not fair, that kid was ten. And he
Holds his baby over a long drop to remind us as a- as a people that
Baby plus long drop equal bad. Here's the thing, Michael is insane
And there were no gorillas below him. She out-Michael'd Michael
Right? So now she's got this kid over this gorilla pit. And why hold
Your baby over gorillas to begin with? Are you gonna talk to your
Baby about the gorillas? Are you supposed to have a little chat about
The gorillas? 'Cause it's a baby, it can't talk. I know it can't
Talk, 'cause if it could talk it'd say, "Put me down, you dumb whore!
" But it never said that. So then she drops the kid, she's like, "
My baby fell!" I'm like, "No, you dropped your baby. Your baby wasn't
A willing participant in this incident." But the kid's like, "Ahh
My mom's a whore!" You know? So then she runs and she gets the
Zookeeper, and the most amazing thing happens. The gorilla comes
Over. There's this tense moment, right? And everybody's watching
And the gorilla just picks the kid up and dusts it off and holds it
Just holds the kid until the zookeeper can come and give it back
To the mother, and I'm like, "What an amazing story. The zookeeper
Gave it back." Do not give that baby back! If I were a judge
I would have awarded custody to the gorilla! Or- or Kevin Federline
Somebody. Give the kid a chance! The Beavis and Butt-Head story
Amazed me, though, because the- the anchor actually came on, tells
This story about this idiot kid burning down his house and killing
His idiot family, and he goes, "There's one word for this: tragedy
" Like, sir, there's a second word: Darwinism. I hate to break it
To you, but when an idiot kid kills his idiot family, that is God
Taking inventory. That is all that is. Realizing, you know what
We have a surplus on dumbass this year. Go to hell for that last one
I understand it, but some of you laughed, so you're gonna come with
Me, which is good. 'Cause if we're gonna go to hell, we should meet
Some people up here first, and that way we get down there, we will
Know each other, and we can carpool. Save on gas. It'll be great