Lyrics:

[TOBY]: Ladies and gentlemen
May I have your attention, please?
Do you wake every morning in shame and despair
To discover your pillow is covered with hair
What ought not to be there?

Well, ladies and gentlemen
From now on, you can waken at ease
You need never again have a worry or care
I will show you a miracle, marvelous rare
Gentlemen, you are about to see something
What rose from the dead!
On the top of my head!

'Twas Pirelli's Miracle Elixir
That's what did the trick, sir
True, sir, true
Was it quick, sir? Did it in a tick, sir?
Just like an elixir ought to do

How about a bottle, mister?
Only costs a penny, guaranteed
Does Pirelli's stimulate the growth, sir?
You can have my oath, sir
'Tis unique
Rub a minute
Stimulating, isn't it?
Soon you'll have to thin it
Once a week!

[TODD]: Pardon me, ma'am, what's that awful stench?

[LOVETT]: Are we standing in an open trench?

[TODD]: Must be standing near an open tranch

[LOVETT]: Pardon me, sir, what's that awful stench?

[TOBY]: But Pirelli's Miracle Elixir
Anything what's slick, sir
Soon sprouts curls
Try Pirelli's
When they see how thick, sir
You can have your pick, sir
Of the girls
Want to buy a bottle, missus?

-[TODD]: What is this?
-[LOVETT]: What is this?

-[TODD]: Smells like piss
-[LOVETT]: Smells like...

-[TODD]: Looks like piss!
-[LOVETT]: Wouldn't touch it if I was you, dear!

-[TODD]: This is piss, piss with ink
-[TOBY]: Let Pirelli's activate your roots, sir!

[TODD]: Keep it off your boots, sir
Eats right through

[TOBY]: Yes, get Pirelli's, use a bottle of it
Ladies seem to love it

[LOVETT]: Flies do, too