Lyrics:

Jillian was her name
She was sweeter than aspartame
Her kisses reconfigured my DNA
And after that I never was the same
And I loved her even more than
Marlon Brando loved soufflé
She was gorgeous, she was charming
Yeah, she was perfect in every way
Except she was always using the word 'infer'
When she obviously meant 'imply'
And I know some guys would put up with that kind of thing
But frankly, I can't imagine why

And I told her, I said...
Hey, are we playing horseshoes, honey?
No, I don't think we are
You're close...
But no cigar

Then I met sweet young Janet
Prettiest thing on the planet
Had a body hotter than a habañero
She had lips like a ripe pomegranate
And I was crazy like Manson about her
She got me all choked up like Mama Cass
She had a smile so incredibly radiant
You had to watch it through a piece of smoked glass
I thought after all these years of searchin' around
I'd found my soul mate finally
But one day I found out she actually owned a copy
Of 'Joe Dirt' on DVD

Aw, no... I said...
Hey, are we lobbing hand grenades, kiddo?
No, I don't think we are
You're close
Aw, so very close
Yeah, baby, you're close, so close
But no cigar

Julie played water polo
She wore a ribbon on her left Manolo
She had me sweatin' like Nixon every time she was near
My heart was beatin' like a Buddy Rich solo
And she was everything I've dreamed of
She moved right up to #1 on my list
And did I mention she's a world famous billionaire
Bikini supermodel astrophysicist?
Yeah, she was so pretty she made Charlize Theron
Look like a big fat slobberin' pig
The only caveat is one of her ear lobes
Was just a little tiny bit too big

I said...
Hey, are we doin' government work here?
No, I don't think we are
You're close!
So very, very close
Aw, baby, you're close, so close
But no cigar
Missed it by that much
Aw yeah, all right
Really, really, really close
But no cigar