Lyrics:

Scene One: The David Home - Living Room

LARRY unlocks and enters his front door to find CHERYL laughing hysterically on the sofa. She is wearing tennis clothes. BRAD is telling her a story from the other room. He, too, is in tennis clothes. CHERYL and BRAD are oblivious to LARRY'S entrance.

BRAD: Right? Right? So my agent calls and he has an audition for me for a biker.

CHERYL: Right&

BRAD: (Passing CHERYL a beer) So I'm just psyched and so I get my hells angels jacket on and my leather and I just bust into the
room, and there's thirty actors with bicycle shorts on. The spandex ones! And gloves! And I'm just going, Uhhg! Brutal!

CHERYL takes a swig of beer and noticed LARRY. She makes a noise of delight and surprise.

CHERYL: Hi!

LARRY: Hi!

CHERYL: You remember Brad&

BRAD: Hi.

CHERYL: Err&you&this is Brad!

BRAD: Hey.

LARRY: Hey Brad!
CHERYL: Gosh I didn't even hear you come in.

LARRY: Well, you were laughing pretty hard, I guess you couldn't hear the door.

CHERYL: That was funny! He was telling me some bad audition stories.

LARRY: Ohh yeah. It's hard being an actor.

CHERYL: It is! It is!

BRAD: It's not too bad

CHERYL: No? You seem to be doing alright&

BRAD: Yeah.

LARRY: Well umm&you know, you guys continue, I'll go upstairs, no big deal, and I'll talk to you later.

CHERYL: What are you talking about?

BRAD: No, no, I gotta go I got an audition.

LARRY: What?!

BRAD: Yeah. No, I gotta go.
LARRY: Alright.

BRAD: (To CHERYL) Alright, We'll see you Thursday.

CHERYL: Ok great!

BRAD: And we'll do it again.

CHERYL: Yeah!

BRAD: Alright!

CHERYL: Alright.

BRAD: Thanks for the beer.

CHERYL: Yeah!

LARRY: Ok, take it easy.

CHERYL: Bye Brad!

BRAD waves with his tennis racket before exiting. LARRY watches him leave.

BRAD: See yah.
CHERYL: Bye!

BRAD exits.

LARRY: You know, I'm thinking, maybe I'll go out and get myself a heterosexual single woman to play golf with.

CHERYL: Oh, Larry, are you a little jealous? What's going on?

LARRY: No, I'm not jealous. I'm just saying that I'm gonna&

CHERYL: I can't have a friend?

LARRY: You're pretty naive.

CHERYL: We can't play tennis?

LARRY: Play tennis! I don't care! He still wants to sleep with you. He's a man, and he's attracted to you, and he wants to have sex with you, you don't think he does?

CHERYL: No I don't think he does.

LARRY: Well you don't know anything about men.

CHERYL: Oh is that right?

LARRY: That's right. Yeah.

CHERYL: Well you know what I wouldn't even be playing tennis with him if you played tennis with me.

LARRY: You want to play tennis with me? I'll play tennis with you, fine.

CHERYL: Okay.

LARRY: Yeah.

CHERYL: Okay.

LARRY: You'll call him up, you'll say you're playing tennis with me on Thursday.

CHERYL: Alright, I will.

LARRY: Alright.

CHERYL: That'll be lovely.

Scene Two: The Restaurant

Four men work outside to put final touches on the outside of BoBo's restaurant. Inside, LARRY and JEFF are talking.

LARRY: Boy, the restaurant's looking good.

JEFF: Yeah it looks great.

LARRY: Yeah, I know, wow.

JEFF: Yeah. Three weeks away. Are you happy you did it?

LARRY: This is very cool, I'm glad you talked me into it.

JEFF: Yeah. How're you doing?

LARRY pauses.

LARRY: Yesterday I get home and there's this guy in my living room, he plays tennis with my wife, he's an actor, you know, I said&it's wrong, I mean she's got this what? this heterosexual friend&?

JEFF: Why's he at your house?

LARRY: I know. Why's he at my house, exactly. And she said, well then why don't you play tennis with me? So I said okay I'll play tennis with you, so now I gotta play tennis with her.

JEFF: That's better than having him pulling something.

LARRY: Huh??

JEFF: Better than him pullin-

A man carrying a box bumps into JEFF and JEFF spills his coffee on a white sofa.

JEFF: Hey!

LARRY: Oh, geeze!

JEFF: What the hell?

JIM: Is that coffee? (yells into the right)Get me table salt, we've got a spill. Get me a towel.

LARRY: Wow.

JIM: Alright.

JIM pours his club soda on the cushion.

LARRY: What are you doing?

JIM: (Taking a towel from someone) This is an old restaurant trick. You gotta dilute the stain with club soda. You just pour club soda on the stain and then&then you put on table salt!

(JIM pours generous amounts of salt on the stain.)

LARRY: Club soda and then salt huh? That's gonna get that stain out?

JIM: MmHmm. MmHmm.

LARRY: Get outta here! Really?

JIM: Now this has gotta set a few minutes and then it'll be fine.

LARRY: Is that so?

JIM: Oh yes!

LARRY: Oh I love that.

RANDY the chef enters.

RANDY: Hey uh, Larry?

LARRY: Hey Randy.

RANDY: We need to talk. You got a minute?

LARRY: Sure.

LARRY and RANDY walk away from JIM busily tending to the stain. JEFF enters the scene.

JEFF: Hey Randy!

RANDY: Uh, hey, Jeff. (They shake hands.) Umm&I'm out guys. I'm out.

JEFF: What are you talking about?

LARRY: Out? Out of what?

RANDY: I can't do this, I can't cook. I can't cook in this restaurant. I'm no good. I suck.

LARRY: What? That's ridiculous!

JEFF: You're not a lousy chef!

LARRY: You cooked at my house last week!

RANDY: Yeah I know!

JEFF: It was delicious!

RANDY: You don't want me. I'm doing you a big favour, believe me.

LARRY: What is this about the peanuts? Is that what this is about?

RANDY: That didn't help, because a lot of cooks, you know, it's frowned on when they poison someone.

LARRY: (Indicating JEFF)What was it because he asked for ketchup?

JEFF: I always have ketchup!

RANDY: You know what&

JEFF: My mom gave me ketchup

LARRY: He loves ketchup, so what? You can't go by him. Where's this coming from? What are you talking about?

RANDY: Where's this coming from? It's coming from the pressure, this is going to be a big celebrity restaurant, I've been reading all the publicity, it's making me nuts, I can't sleep at night.

LARRY: What?!

RANDY: This place is gonna get reviewed you know! It's gonna get reviewed!

JEFF: You built this up in you imagination man, this is crazy.

RANDY: I'm really sorry, it is not me. (Backing away) I can't do it. Just, I'm sorry. Can't.

RANDY turns and walks away. On his exit he runs into TED DANSON entering.

TED: Hey, Randy!

RANDY: Look man, I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

TED: About? What??

RANDY exits.

TED: Huh.

TED approaches LARRY and JEFF.

JEFF: He just quit!

TED: Randy just quit? Why?

LARRY: He's upset, he just didn't feel like he could do it, he felt inadequate and he didn't think he was a good cook, and all the pressure of the restaurant opening&

JEFF: And the reviews, he didn't want to be reviewed.

LARRY: And the publicity

TED: A chef doesn't want to be reviewed?

JEFF: A chef doesn't want to be reviewed.

TED: Was it the whole peanut thing? Is that what upset him?

JEFF & LARRY: No!

LARRY: It didn't have anything to do with the peanuts.

JEFF: No, we didn't even mention the peanut thing, it was&no, he just feels pressured.

TED: Do we have any ideas? Like three weeks away what are we gonna do?

JEFF: Find somebody. I don't know anybody, but we'll find someone. Do you know anybody?

LARRY: I don't know anybody, no.

TED: Oh wait a minute. Josh! Josh would be great.

LARRY: Josh. Who's Josh?

TED: The guy who cooks for us at home, he'd be fabulous.

JEFF: If we could come over and try it&

TED: Yeah!

JEFF: Cook for us?

LARRY: Yeah, yeah obviously we would have to come over, and&and sample it, right?

TED: Yeah, that'd be alright. Yeah, come on over, and you can sample it.

JIM: Oh yes!

LARRY goes to the sofa with the stain on it where JIM is kneeling.

TED: He's a great cook.

JEFF: You don't want to hold him back, huh?

TED: No, no I'll let him go.

LARRY: (Leaning over the sofa and watching JIM brush the salt into a pile. The sofa is now spotless.)Oh my God! (TED and JEFF join him.) He got it all out! The stain's gone! Club soda&and salt!

JIM: The trick is to get to the stain before it dries.

Scene Three: Outside a Tennis Court

LARRY and CHERYL wait for their turn on a tennis court. LARRY is practicing his shots against a wall and CHERYL is sitting on a bench.

CHERYL: What ever happened to that umm, that place for your parents?

LARRY: I'm getting them that apartment on Barrington.

CHERYL: Oh right.

LARRY shoots the ball against the wall.

CHERYL: You know what I swear to you, I'm gonna kill you when that ball hits me.

LARRY: So my mother will start getting that new treatment at Cedar Sinai and hopefully she'll get better and they'll go home.

MELANIE and ED approach them from the parking lot.

CHERYL: Hey, Melanie! Ed! Hey, how are you guys doing?

LARRY: Hey.

ED: Hey. Good.

ED: Lawrence.

LARRY: Hi.

CHERYL: It's so good to see you. Hi. You guys look good.

MELANIE: Thanks.

ED: Thank you.

MELANIE: Just playing some tennis.

LARRY: Just playing some tennis, yeah.

CHERYL: So are we. It's good to see you guys.

MELANIE: &Thank you.

There is an awkward pause.

MELANIE: Alright.

CHERYL: Yeah.

LARRY: Ok.

CHERYL: Have a good game!

ED: Yes.

MELANIE: Bye bye.

ED: You too.

ED and MELAINE exit left.

LARRY: What the hell was that?

CHERYL: I don't know! She was acting like she doesn't even know me.

LARRY: When was the last time you called her?

CHERYL: I don't know, about three months ago maybe.

LARRY: Uh huh&

CHERYL: Umm&Oh my God! You know we never really bought them a wedding gift. And it's been over a year.

LARRY: Yeah it's over a year.

CHERYL: How could we forget a wedding gift? We should just pick something up. You know, I don't want&

LARRY: Oh, fine, we'll get them a w-

CHERYL: Every time we run into them I don't want it to be like that.

LARRY: I know but it's ridiculous to just harbour a grudge because we didn't get them a present! We went out of our way to fly to Chicago to their wedding.

CHERYL: We should just pick something up for them.

LARRY: Buy them a car!

Scene Four: Tennis Court

LARRY and CHERYL play a slow game of tennis. LARRY is short one hit and his ball hits the net. CHERYL grunts and snorts after her shots. LARRY pauses to catch his breath.

CHERYL: You okay?

The game continues, CHERYL grunting and snorting. LARRY hits the ball off the court.

LARRY: Is that good?

CHERYL: It's out.

LARRY: That was out?

CHERYL: Yeah. If we were playing doubles that would have been good.

CHERYL stands close to the net.

LARRY: (Walking to the net to talk to her.) You know what? You gotta stop that grunting.

CHERYL: What are you talking about?

LARRY: You grunt every shot. Every shot you hit you go UHH! UHH! You make this disgusting noise. (LARRY grunts and snorts to demonstrate.) You don't hear it?

CHERYL: No.

LARRY: What do you mean no!?

CHERYL: That's how I play tennis. (Backs away to start playing again.)I didn't even know I was doing it.

LARRY turns to go back to his play position.

LARRY: Well you grunt every shot and it's really annoying, and it's throwing me off.

CHERYL: Oh! Is that why you're loosing?

LARRY: It sounds like pigs fucking! How do you like this, would you like to listen to this, huh?

LARRY shoots his ball to CHERYL, making a soft yelling grunt noise.

CHERYL: I don't mind it.

LARRY shoots another ball and makes the same noise. The ball goes out of bounds behind CHERYL and hits the wall.

CHERYL: Alright, that's the game. It's set.

LARRY stands on his side of the court looking bored and miserable, one hand on his hip. CHERYL laughs at him.

Scene Five: The David Home - Bedroom

LARRY is brushing his teeth in the bathroom. CHERYL is sitting on the bed taking out her earrings. LARRY joins her in the bedroom.

LARRY: I really think I finally found the perfect sock. I'm not kidding. Because it's not exactly white, you don't want a white sock. It's
sort of a&

CHERYL looks very disinterested.

LARRY: Is this boring you? You know if you said to me, I found the perfect pair of socks I'd go no kidding where'd you get them what are they like?

LARRY goes back to the bathroom.

CHERYL: So you know that play Tony and Tina's wedding? I think I might go on Friday.

LARRY comes to stand in the archway.

LARRY: Oh.

CHERYL: What?

LARRY: You don't want me to go with you?

CHERYL: Well I didn't know that you'd want to go. I'm throwing it out there.

LARRY: Why wouldn't I wanna go? I enjoy the theatre, just like the next guy.

CHERYL: The characters mix in with the audience.

LARRY: So what? That's&I'm fine with that.

CHERYL: You are?

LARRY: Yeah!

CHERYL: Okay good!

LARRY goes back to the bathroom.

LARRY: So how come you wanna go see that?

CHERYL: Uh, I just heard a lot about it. You know, and&and&Brad's in it. So&

LARRY comes back to the archway.

LARRY: Oh.

CHERYL: What is wrong with you!?

LARRY: You're thinking about going to see Tony and Tina's Wedding on Friday night and&Brad is in it.

CHERYL: I want us to go see Tony and Tina's Wedding.

LARRY: Oh, do you?

CHERYL: I do!

LARRY: Yeah. You know what? Go. Go see Tony and Tina's Wedding. That's fine.

LARRY goes back to the bathroom.

CHERYL: No I want us to go together.

LARRY: Yeah. I heard what you said, you know, it wasn't that hard to figure out.

CHERYL: I meant we.

LARRY: I'll just go see the show and go home, don't worry about it.

CHERYL: No no no listen-

LARRY: You and Brad can go out and have some beers, it's fine, don't-you know.

CHERYL: I was saying we. It was the Assumed We.

LARRY: There was no Assumed We. You said I.

CHERYL: When I make plans I always think of us. You're reading things into it.

(At this point, the toothbrush in Larry's hand disappears. J)

LARRY: I don't think I am.

CHERYL: (Pulling Larry on the bed with her.) I think you are. I think you're completely reading things into this.

LARRY: I don't think so! You are so busted!

LARRY and CHERYL are both laughing.

CHERYL: I am not! (Leaning in to kiss him) I want to go with you.

LARRY: No.

CHERYL: Don't you want to go with me?

LARRY: I don't know&It depends what you'll do for it.

CHERYL pushes LARRY in a laying down position and CHERYL lays beside him.

CHERYL: I'll do just about anything.

LARRY: Is that right?

CHERYL: Yeah! Yeah. Do you have a problem with that?

LARRY laughs.

LARRY: No! I like this. I like getting into trouble and using sex to get out of it. This is very good.

CHERYL: Good, then we're both happy.

LARRY takes off his glasses and puts them on the bedside table, but knocks off a glass of cranberry juice.

LARRY: Oh shit! Oh my God!

LARRY puts on his glasses again.

CHERYL: Alright. You know what, it's cranberry juice; it's not going to come out anyway.

LARRY: Cranberry juice?

CHERYL: Come here.

LARRY gets out of bed.

LARRY: Oh no, no, wait a second, wait a second! I saw this thing at the restaurant today. Club soda and salt! Gets the whole stain out!

CHERYL: You know what it's an old rug, don't worry about it, come here.

LARRY: No, no, no! Wait 'til you see this! You're gonna be amazed. Time is of the essence!

LARRY runs out of the room leaving CHERYL on the bed.

LARRY: (yelling from another room) Where's the salt? Where's the salt?

CHERYL: It's by the stove!

CHERYL gets in bed. Later, LARRY runs in with a large armful of paper towels.

LARRY: I hope I'm not too late. That's the only thing I hope. I hope I'm not too late. (Pouring) Club Soda, ok, put the Club Soda; use very liberally. Do a tap-tap; I saw him tap-tap. Now the salt. Salt all over. Don't spare the salt. And you are gonna be amazed at how this works. That's it, that's all you need to do. And we've uh, still got a few minutes 'til it dries. (Goes back to get with Cheryl on the bed.)

CHERYL: Are you out of your mind? Are you kidding me?

LARRY: Why? What? Come on, we've got a few minutes, it's gonna dry.

CHERYL: I just gave you a whole window of opportunity that has slammed closed.

LARRY: What do you mean you gave me a whole window of opportunity?

CHERYL: Honey&

LARRY: What?

CHERYL: No.

LARRY averts his interest back to the stain.

LARRY: All right. (Stands) When you get up tomorrow morning that stain's gonna be all gone. You watch.

LARRY looks at his watch.

Scene Six: Ted Danson's Foyer.

TED lets in LARRY and JEFF.

TED: Hey.

LARRY: Hey.

JEFF: Hey.

TED: Come on in. Hope you're hungry. How are ya Jeff?

JEFF: Good, how're you doin' man?

TED: Good, good, good, good. You're in for a treat. He's very excited. Hey Josh!

LARRY: What are you talking about, he's here?

TED: Sorry, he's so excited.

JOSH: Hi, gentleman, how are you? I'm Josh.

TED: (Introducing) Larry.

LARRY: Hi. Larry.

TED: &and Jeff.

JOSH: Jeff, nice to meet you. I just want to thank you for the opportunity for possibly being your chef for the new restaurant. I'm gonna run back in and do some last minute prep, but I will see you in a bit.

TED: Ah. Right, right.

JOSH: Thank you.

TED: This is gonna be fun. Come on.

LARRY: What did you do? You-

TED: What do you mean what did I do?

LARRY: Why did you tell him that we were coming for that purpose?

TED: What was I suppose to do?

LARRY: Just tell him friend were over for dinner, you didn't have to tell him what the whole thing was about.

TED: What's the big deal?

JEFF: The audition's a lot of pressure, it's a&

LARRY: Yeah!

TED: We have three weeks! That's a lot of pressure. This is not pre-he's a good cook! Relax. Come and join me, come on, seriously. You're impossible.

Scene Seven: Dinner Table.

LARRY, TED, and JEFF are all eating in silence. TED watches for reactions, particularly from LARRY who seems to be avoiding eye contact or feedback.

LARRY: Pass the uh, salt please.

JEFF passes it to him. LARRY applies salt liberally to his meal as TED watches in horror.

LARRY: (To Jeff) That's a nice shirt.

JEFF: Yeah my mom got it for me. She dropped it off at the office.

LARRY: What is that, like a valour or something?

JEFF: Don't know. It's very comfortable.

TED: All right, all right, all right, all right. What do you think? Come on.

JEFF: The food? Great!

TED: Yeah? You really like it?

JEFF: Yeah, great! He knows his stuff.

TED: He really does the meat well.

JEFF: Tender. You were right. Good call.

TED: Thank you, thank you.

JEFF: Sure.

TED: What do you think Larry?

LARRY: (Shrugs) Eh.

TED: What do you mean, eh?

LARRY: Eh.

JEFF: You're crazy.

TED: You know something, you walked in with this attitude.

LARRY: I didn't walk in with any attitude.

TED: You did too, you walked in with this attitude.

LARRY: No I didn't. I did not walk in with an attitude.

TED: Just because I told him beforehand.

LARRY: That's bullshit.

JEFF: You have no idea what you're talking about.

LARRY: I know what I'm talking about, why do you say that?

JEFF: Because you weigh like eight pounds, what do you know about food?

LARRY: Thin people know more about food than fat people.

JEFF: I have more food experience than you my friend.

LARRY: Let me tell you something, okay?

JEFF: What?

LARRY: I never got laid a lot but that doesn't mean the guy who got laid more than me appreciated it any more.

TED: What the hell does that have to do with anything?

JEFF: The guy who gets laid a lot knows more about sex.

TED: All right, wait, wait, wait, wait!

LARRY: He might know more about sex, but he doesn't appreciate it anymore. I appreciate it!

TED: You know you are such a pain in the ass. All right fine, what are we gonna do? What do you wanna do?

LARRY: Well, we'll just have to find somebody who we all agree on.

TED: No, I mean what do you wanna do about Josh? He worked his heart out for this meal.

LARRY: Well, ya know, what are we suppose to do? We can't hire him if we don't all agree on it.

TED: All right, fine. You tell him.

LARRY: What do you mean me tell him? I don't have to tell him.

TED: I'm not telling him& Josh!

JOSH enters.

JOSH: Gentleman, how was everything? Did you enjoy your lamb?

JEFF: Wonderful.

TED: It was delicious Josh.

JEFF: Wonderful. Really wonderful.

JOSH: Good. Did you enjoy the plum, apricot, and mint chutney?

JEFF: The chutney was amazing.

JOSH: Thank you.

JEFF: Sure.

JOSH: Thank you, very much. Yes.

TED: Larry has something he wants to tell you.

JOSH: Yes Larry?

LARRY: It was good. I just don't think it's quite right for the restaurant though.

JOSH: Well what was wrong with it?

LARRY: A little saucy. A little too saucy.

JOSH: Saucy?

LARRY: Yeah. Kinda saucy.

JOSH: Is there anything else?

LARRY: Not really.

JOSH: I guess desserts out of the question.

LARRY: No I'll still take dessert.

JEFF: I'll take dessert too.

JOSH: (Near tears) Ok&

LARRY: And, do you have decaf?

JEFF: I'd love a decaf too. A little bit of uh skim milk.

JOSH: Ted?

TED: No. No.

JOSH: Okay.

Scene Eight: Cheryl's Car.

LARRY and CHERYL are driving. LARRY is in the passenger seat looking out the window while CHERYL drives.

CHERYL: What should we get for their wedding present?

LARRY: I love how these people take their shopping carts and just bring them home and leave them there. What is that?

CHERYL: So, I was thinking maybe that store on Montana Avenue.

LARRY: Ya know, I really don't like not driving. You should've let me drive.

CHERYL: It's my car.

LARRY: Well on the way back I'm gonna drive.

CHERYL: Why?

LARRY: I don't feel I have a personality in this seat.

CHERYL: Pfft.

LARRY: No, really. I feel very dull.

CHERYL: MmHm.

LARRY: Do you want me to sing or do you want the uh, radio?

CHERYL: I think I'd rather the radio.

LARRY: All right. (Turns it on.) What is this a tape?

CHERYL: MmHm.

LARRY: What are you doin' with a tape? I thought you only&I thought you only buy CDs.

CHERYL: Um, actually a friend loaned it to me.

LARRY: Who is this?

CHERYL: It's Al Green.

LARRY: Who gave you this tape?

CHERYL: Brad. It's good isn't it?

LARRY: 'You oughta to be with me'? Is that what he's saying? You oughta be with me! That's what&that's what he's singing about?

CHERYL: What is wrong with you?

LARRY: What the-wait, Brad gives you a tape? An Al Green tape? You oughta be with me?

CHERYL: You know what? Tha- I don't know&

LARRY: I swear to God, this thing gets worse every time.

CHERYL: No listen, it's-

LARRY: Every day this story is getting worse and worse and worse.

Scene Nine: The store on Montana Avenue - 'Room with a View.'

CHERYL and LARRY walk into the store.

CHERYL: All right&

LARRY: What about a nice bowl?

CHERYL: You know what, they probably got tons of bowls. I'm sure they were registered somewhere and&

LARRY: Everyone likes a good bowl for cereal and&

CHERYL: I feel like I'm not gonna find anything in here&because they probably have all this stuff, right? Dishes, and stem wear, and&

LARRY: Yeah, there's really not that much in here. Why don't we just get them a nice piece of fish?

CHERYL: We should just go next door to that wine shop and get an expensive bottle of wine. Let's do that.

LARRY: How expensive?

CHERYL: Two? Two fifty?

(Larry nods, annoyed at the thought.)

CHERYL: I don't know, it's gotta be a good one because they'll know the difference.

LARRY: Oh of course they will.

CHERYL: All right, are you coming?

LARRY: Uh, what? Between this and a wine store? No, I'll stay here.

CHERYL: All right. I'll be right back.

LARRY: Okay.

LARRY browses and is then confronted by a SALESWOMAN.

SALESWOMAN: Hi! What can I help you find?

LARRY: Oh, uh, nothing, you know I'm just browsing.

SALESWOMAN: Yeah, you got that bewildered look, I know it's a lot to take in.

LARRY: No, I'm okay. I'm not-

SALESWOMAN: You know if we narrow it down, to-

LARRY: You know what? I appreciate it, I'm not really shopping I'm just kind of browsing. If I need help I'll let you know.

SALESWOMAN: Okay, sure! Take your time.

LARRY: Okay thank you.

SALESWOMAN: Okay.

LARRY walks away, but SALESWOMAN follows him.

SALESWOMAN: Oh, all the napkin rings in the store are ten percent off.

LARRY: MmHm.

SALESWOMAN: Just this week. Not just these; there's a million more all ten percent off.

LARRY: Okay.

SALESWOMAN: They make such great gifts. Oh, we have um-come over here for a second let me show you something.

LARRY: You know what, I'm really not interested in buying anything. But thank you.

SALESWOMAN: Okay. Great. If you're looking in like something more affordable, we have smaller items. They're really, really sophisticated.

LARRY: It's not that, I'm just not looking. I'm not interested. But thank you.

SALESWOMAN: Okay.

LARRY walks away but still SALESWOMAN follows.

SALESWOMAN: Flatware is always great. It's always fantastic, especially really simple.

LARRY: All right, look, can you stop following me around please? I'm not interested in buying anything. Stop following me.

SALESWOMAN: I don't really understand what's giving you that idea. Maybe you're paranoid.

LARRY: The idea? You've just done a complete circle with me now in the store.

SALESWOMAN: Oh, well why are you here if you're not interested in buying anything?

LARRY: You've never heard of browsers? Is that word unfamiliar to you? A browser?

SALESWOMAN: Please leave.

LARRY: You got it.

SALESWOMAN: Thank you. Have a great day.

LARRY: I'm well on the way.

Scene Ten: Cheryl's car.

A green Volkswagen Bug is in front of the car. LARRY is driving.

CHERYL: You know what, we should just drop this off at the Lobes'. You know? We're in the neighbourhood.

LARRY: Three hundred dollars.

CHERYL: I know.

LARRY: So ridiculous.

CHERYL: But it's a good one!

The car phone rings and LARRY takes a turn, still behind the bug. CHERYL answers. It's BRAD on speakerphone.

CHERYL: Hello?

BRAD: Hey Cheryl, Brad.

CHERYL: Hi Brad.

BRAD: Hey, what's up?

CHERYL: Nothing. Larry's in the car.

BRAD: Oh, hey! Hey Larry.

LARRY: Hey Brad.

BRAD: How're ya doin'?

LARRY: Pretty good.

BRAD: Hey Cheryl, still coming to Tony and Tina's Wedding?

CHERYL: Yeah!

LARRY: Hey I'm goin' too Brad!

BRAD: Oh. Okay, great.

Another turn is taken, the Bug in the lead.

BRAD: Hey Larry, still looking for a chef?

LARRY: Um actually I am.

BRAD: Well my friend Paul, he's a chef at Alsace, and he's thinking about leaving.

LARRY: I know that place Alsace, that's a good, that's a good restaurant.

CHERYL: Yeah!

BRAD: Hey you know what! Why don't we go eat there after the show, and you can check out the food.

LARRY: Okay, that sounds pretty good.

Yet another turn is taken with the bug in lead.

BRAD: All right, well uh, hey I'll see ya at the show.

CHERYL: Okay, bye.

BRAD: Take it easy Cheryl.

They hang up.

LARRY: Larry's in the car!

CHERYL: What?

LARRY: Larry's in the car so if you plan on doing any dirty talking, better save it for another time because, Larry's in the car!

CHERYL: I was just letting him know. To be polite when you're on speaker phone, you're suppose to let people know that they're&who's listening&

LARRY: Yeah, yeah.

CHERYL: I mean I think that you would be excited, he might have found you a chef.

LARRY: I actually am, I think that that could be good. I'll call Ted and Jeff and set it up.

CHERYL: Okay.

Sirens sound behind the car. LARRY checks in his rear-view mirror to see a police car.

LARRY: What is this? Oh my God. Oh shit we're gonna get-there's a cop, what do we do?

CHERYL: Just pull over. Just pull over there.

LARRY: Oh here we go. Jesus Christ.

The COP gets out of his vehicle and approaches Larry's window.

CHERYL: What did you do?

COP: Can I see your driver's license sir?

LARRY: Yeah, can I ask what I did?

COP: Sure can. Sir we had a report from a young lady on her cell phone saying that you've been following her in your car.

CHERYL: What?

LARRY: Following someone what? I'm going to drop off a bottle of wine at a friend's house on Moreno.

The bug is pulled over ahead of them, and from the driver's side emerges SALESWOMAN. She approaches the car.

SALESWOMAN: This is the guy! I can't believe you are doing this. I cannot believe you're-This guy came into the store where I work, and accused me of following him around and then had like a little freak out fit, and now he's following me.

LARRY: I don't even know what she's talking about-

SALESWOMAN: Oh, you're turning left when I'm turning left, you're turning right when I'm turning right. This is like your sick revenge?
You follow me around and scare me like that?

LARRY: (to the COP) This is just so idiotic.

SALESWOMAN: What is wrong with you?

LARRY: What is wrong with me?

COP: Can you explain to me why you're following this young lady?

LARRY: I'm not following her! I was in her store, and she was following me.

COP: Yes, I heard that part, I'm just saying-

LARRY: She was following me!

SALESWOMAN: I was not following him!

LARRY: You don't even know how to work in a store. People ask you to leave them alone and you harass them-

COP: We're in a residential street.

SALESWOMAN: I was not following you!

LARRY: You were so following me!

SALESWOMAN: I was not following you! I work there.

COP: Folks, we're in a residential neighbourhood here-please.

SALESWOMAN: Listen, when my husband find out about this, there's gonna be a problem.

COP: All right, ma'am, you're gonna have to go back to your car now.

SALESWOMAN backs away.

LARRY: Oh yeah, I'm worried about your husband.

COP: Sir&

LARRY: Oh yeah!

SALESWOMAN: Yeah, you are. You know what, you are.

Cop (To Larry): Sir, why don't you just stay in your car for a moment I'll be right back with you.

Scene Eleven: The Lobe's Doorstep.

CHERYL and LARRY make their way up the walkway to the front door.

CHERYL: Maybe we should have called first.

LARRY: We're in the neighbourhood, what's the difference?

CHERYL: I know, but do you just drop by somebody's house?

LARRY: If you've got a gift you drop by.

The door opens, and MELANIE LOBE is in the doorway.

CHERYL: Hey Melanie!

LARRY: Hello.

MELANIE: Hi.

CHERYL: Hi.

MELANIE: What's going on?

ED LOBE comes to the door, too.

CHERYL: Ed!

ED: Hi.

CHERYL: Well we were just in the neighbourhood.

MELANIE: Oh.

CHERYL: And thought we'd drop off you wedding gift. I'm sorry it's late!

ED laughs.

MELANIE: We can't take your wedding gift. Are you serious?

ED: No.

MELANIE: We can't take a wedding gift now.

ED: No.

MELANIE: We got married 14 months ago. You can't give a gift after a year, you know that.

CHERYL: I know that's why I'm sorry it's-

LARRY: You can't take a gift after a year? And what happens after a year?

MELANIE: You just can't give it. That's the cut off.

LARRY: You can't give it?

CHERYL: Well you can give it with an apology-

ED: It's edict Larry.

LARRY: That's the cut off?

CHERYL: You guys this is a beautiful bottle of wine&

MELANIE: We can't take it!

ED: It's an afterthought, and it's late!

LARRY: We just spent three hundred dollars on this bottle of wine for&

MELANIE: I'm sorry!

LARRY: &you and you're not accepting it? Is that what you're saying to me?

MELANIE: We can't take the gift after a year!

LARRY: Yeah but you had no problem taking your two hundred dollar engagement vase we got you, you had no problem with the shower gift-what'd you get her?

CHERYL: It was the nightgown, remember?

LARRY: The nightgown, that was okay. Then we flew to Chicago for your little wedding bash.

MELANIE: Little!

LARRY: You know you're into us now for about fifty five hundred dollars as I see it.

MELANIE: Okay first of all it wasn't a little wedding, we had two hundred and sixty six people there

LARRY: Oh sorry!

MELANIE: And why did you come?

LARRY: Why? Because she put a gun to my head that's why!

MELANIE: I don't believe you!

LARRY: You don't do you?

MELANIE: I don't believe that. You came because you wanted to come.

LARRY: Oh yeah I was desperate to go to your wedding.

MELANIE: If it was too expensive you shouldn't have come Larry! And I'm sorry, that you can't accept a gift after 12 months, but you just can't.

LARRY: Ok, bye.

ED: It's the way things are.

LARRY: They don't want the wine, we're past the cut off. We're sorry. Sorry

ED: You would do the same thing Larry.

LARRY: Oh of course I would.

ED: I know you would do the same thing.

LARRY holds the wine bottle over his head.

LARRY: By the way, do you have someone in there to clean up the mess I'm about to make?

ED: Now you're being silly!

CHERYL: No, no, no!

LARRY walks away.

ED: Thank you!

MELANIE: Next time call.

Scene Twelve: Outside the theatre where Tony and Tina's wedding is being performed.

CHERYL: You know what I was just thinking maybe you should have worn a sports coat.

LARRY: Really you think so? I mean it's true, everybody's wearing sports jackets-well, he's not wearing a sports jacket, that guy.

CHERYL: But he might be an actor. That might be part of his character.

LARRY: Ohhh.

CHERYL: That's what happens, actors mingle.

LARRY: Alright, I'm gonna go use the bathroom.

CHERYL: Okay, I'll grab a pew.

CHERYL and LARRY enter the theatre.

Scene Thirteen: Theatre washroom.

LARRY is washing his hands when BRAD appears from one of the stalls.

BRAD: (acting) Hey, how you doin? I'm Angelo. Antola&.

LARRY: Oh, yeah.

BRAD: Angelo Antola.

LARRY: Hi Brad.

BRAD: (to himself) Brad?

BRAD: Hey, so you with uh, Tony's side of Tina's side?

LARRY: Brad& you know&cut the shit, okay?

BRAD: The shit? Brad? I don't know what the fuck you're talking about. I'm on Tina's side, so.

LARRY: Oh are you?

BRAD: (Brad/Angelo comes his hair in the mirror)Yeah, yeah me and Tina, we're close. Shame she's gonna marry that jerk. She's only doin' it for the money. She don't love him! She doesn't love him. Me and Tina, that's a different story. We got&we got something special, me and her.

LARRY: Oh do you?

BRAD: Between the two of us, no one would understand really.

LARRY: Well, you're a very complex person.

BRAD: Thank you. We have a better understanding of things than that cocksucker.

LARRY: That cocksucker Tony&

BRAD: Yeah that cocksucker Tony.

LARRY: Yeah he's a cocksucker, Tony.

BRAD: Yeah. One day, me and Tina, we'll end up together, because this will never work.

LARRY: Yeah you think so?

BRAD: Oh yeah.

LARRY: Yeah?

BRAD: Then I'll finally slip her the sausage.

LARRY: Oh is that right?

BRAD: That's right.

LARRY: That very formidable sausage of yours.

BRAD: And she will be forever grateful my friend.

LARRY: Yeah. It's been fun doing this little improv with you.

BRAD: Improv? Whatever you wanna call it.

LARRY: I'll see you later at the restaurant.

BRAD: At the reception, you bet, you bet. I'll swing by. I'll say hello.

LARRY: (Mocking him) Yeah well you that's good, that's good!!

BRAD: Hey that's not bad!

LARRY: (Mocking) Yeah, you swing by! You swing by! I'll see you later, okay? I'll see you later!

BRAD: &ok&.

Scene Fourteen: Alsace

JEFF, TED DANSON, BRAD, CHERYL, and LARRY all sit at a table.

CHERYL: You guys missed a great show. Really, you should check it out, don't you think?

LARRY: Yeah it was really good.

CHERYL: And Brad was great by the way.

BRAD: Thank you. Hey Larry, some guy named Angelo keeps looking for you.

LARRY: He was doing some shtick in the bathroom with me.

JEFF: Nothing funny about a shtick in the bathroom.

CHERYL: It was good. It was good. You should check it out.

TED: I'm hungry. Should we do this?

CHERYL: I'm starving.

JEFF: I'll tell you what, we should order everything on the menu.

CHERYL: All right!

LARRY: Chef's name is Paul?

BRAD: Paul.

CHERYL: Chef Paul.

BRAD: Chef Paul.

TED: Do you wanna get some wine or something? I'm thirsty.

CHERYL: I know this sounds crazy but. (Cheryl reveals the wine she had bought for the Lobes.)

LARRY: Oh my God I didn't know you brought the wine!

CHERYL: I know! It was a surprise.

LARRY: (to a waiter) Excuse me, can you open this wine for us?

WAITER: Oh, sure.

LARRY: Thank you.

CHERYL: Thank you.

LARRY: Oh, wait 'til you hear this story!

CHERYL: So we had these friends that got married-

(cut to the end of the story while LARRY is pouring the wine.)

BRAD: they didn't take it?

LARRY pours Ted a glass of wine.

TED: Thanks.

CHERYL: So they didn't take it, and Larry started shouting&

LARRY: Yeah.

CHERYL: &and I just grabbed it.

TED: (Examining the wine) look at that. Look at that.

LARRY: They actually didn't accept the gift, I've never heard of anything so crazy.

CHERYL: It was crazy!

TED: 300 dollar bottle of wine!

CHERYL: Here's to the Lobes!

LARRY: Yeah, to the Lobes.

ALL: To the Lobes!

CHERYL: (to Larry) to the Lobes, right?
(Suddenly, HUSBAND of SALESWOMAN hits LARRY on the back, and LARRY spills his wine all over CHERYL'S shirt.)

HUSBAND: Hey! What is your problem? What's your problem?

BRAD: Cheryl! Don't move, I've got it under control! I need club soda and salt!

HUSBAND: Hey, you, turn around. Look at her. Right there. (It's SALSEWOMAN, beaming with pride. She waves sweetly.) Is this the guy?

SALESWOMAN: Yes!

HUSBAND: That's him?

SALESWOMAN: Yeah.

HUSBAND:(has LARRY by the collar) You were following my wife?

LARRY: I wasn't following her!

HUSBAND: She called the cops on you!

LARRY: What? (he tries to turn around to see what BRAD is doing - busily tending to the stain on CHERYL'S shirt, pouring salt on the stain and rubbing club soda into it. The location of the stain happens to be aligned with CHERYL'S breasts.)

HUSBAND: Look at me! Look at me!

BRAD: I need salt! I need salt!

JEFF hands BRAD a salt shaker, he TED staring intently at CHERYL'S breasts as BRAD applies salt very liberally to the wine spill on CHERYL'S shirt.

BRAD: Thank you!

HUSBAND: I'm talking to you. I said look at me. She was scared half to death, and you were some kind of pervert following her in the store?

But LARRY is too mortified that BRAD is rubbing CHERYL'S breasts to look at, or worry about HUSBAND.
HUSBAND: I will take you outside& look at me! I will kick your ass right now!

LARRY groans, still caught up in the horror of BRAD'S handiwork.