Lyrics:

Yeah!
Alright!
Way to go!
Ooooooh!
Ooooooooh!
Way to go, Yeah!
Alright...

On a dark country highway
In my candy-apple covert
A strong smell of colitas
Need to change underwear
Up ahead in the distance
I saw a sickening sight
My tank near empty
And the lights is dim
I reckon' I'll stop for the night

The sign out front said vacancy
So, I punched the bell
Dog mess everywhere I stepped
Holy cow! Oh, my god! What a smell!
Then she fired up a lantern
And she showed me her face
False teeth in an old fruit jar
I thought I heard them say...

Welcome to the Motel Californie!
Such an ugly place (such an ugly place)
Filled with toxic waste!
Ain't but one room at the Motel Californie
Man, this place is weird (man, this place is weird)
Gosh I'm really scared!

The faucets were pricefestered
Ow! Scorched my contact lens
Hot said 'cold' and the cold said 'hot'
The wall heater burned the hair off my shins
My room resembled a scrapyard
From a busted up TV set
Rain was blowin' through my winders
Now my bed's soakin' wet!

Then I called up room service
For a cheeseburger and fries
That thing tasted like It'd been cooked
Back in 1969!
You could hear my gas exploding from far away
Woke up the clerk in the middle of the night
I swear I heard her say...

Have you enjoyed your stay at the Motel Californie?
Oh, I ain't feelin' well (I ain't feelin' well)
Cause the room sure smells
She said, we give it our best at the Motel Californie
Surely, you got some rest (hope you got some rest)
Hell, I've froze to death!

Stalactites from the ceiling
Thermostat covered in ice
And I pray, 'God I long for a Holiday Inn
Or a Motel 6 would be nice!'
Went to the old maid's chambers
For a clean change of sheets
Somebody stabbed her with an old buck knife
She was cold dead and deceased
HAHAHA, oh no!

Last thing I remember
I busted down my room door
Feeling nauseous as my stomach churned
From the scene I just seen before
Took some X-LAX from the night stand
Here on the toilet I sat
As soon as I get my big butt up from here
I'm gonna call up Tom Bodett