Lyrics:

[ARBITER]
Ive a duty as the referee
At the start of the match
On behalf of all our sponsors
I must welcome you
Which I do -- theres a catch

I dont care if youre a champion
No one messes with me
I am ruthless in upholding
What I know is right
Black or white -- as youll see

Im on the case
Cant be fooled
Any objection
Is overruled
Yes Im the Arbiter and I know best

[CHORUS]
Hes impartial, dont push him, hes unimpressed

[ARBITER]
You got your tricks
Good for you
But theres no gambit I dont see through
Oh Im the Arbiter I know the score

[CHORUS]
From square one hell be watching all 64

[ARBITER]
If youre thinking of the kind of thing
That weve seen in the past
Chanting gurus, walkie-talkies,
Walkouts, hypnotists,
Tempers, fists -- not so fast

This is not the start of World War Three
No political ploys
I think both your constitutions are terrific so
Now you know -- be good boys

Im on the case
Cant be fooled
Any objection
Is overruled
Yes Im the Arbiter and I know best

[CHORUS]
Hes impartial, dont push him, hes unimpressed

[ARBITER]
You got your tricks
Good for you
But theres no gambit I dont see through
Oh Im the Arbiter I know the score

[CHORUS]
From square one hell be watching all 64

[ARBITER]
Yes Im the Arbiter I know the score

[CHORUS]
From square one hes watching all 64

[DIPLOMATS]
No one can deny that these are difficult times...

Its the U.S. versus U.S.S.R.
Yet we more or less are --

No one can deny that these are difficult times...

-- to our credit putting all that aside
We have swallowed our pride

These are dangerous and difficult times...

It really doesnt matter who comes out on top, who gets the chop
No ones way of life is threatened by a flop --
But were gonna smash their bastard
Make him wanna change his name
Take him to the cleaners and devastate him
Wipe him out, humiliate him

We dont want the whole world saying
They cant even win a game
We have never reckoned
On coming second
Theres no use in losing

Its the U.S. versus U.S.S.R.
Yet we more or less are --

No one can deny that these are difficult times

-- to our credit putting all that aside
We have swallowed our pride

These are very difficult and dangerous times...

The value of events like this need not be stressed
When East and West
Can meet as comrades, ease the tension over drinks
Through sporting links
As long as their man sinks

[MERCHANDISERS]
Whether you are pro or anti
Or could not care less
We are here to tell you
We are here to sell you chess
Not a chance of you escaping from our wiles
Weve locked the doors, weve blocked the aisles
Weve a franchise worth exploiting
And we will -- yes we will!
When it comes to merchandising
We could kill

When you get up --
When you get up in the morning
Till you crash at night
You will have to live your life
With bishop, rook and knight
Clean your teeth with chequered toothpaste
Wear our vests
Our kings and queens on bouncing breasts
You could even buy a set
And learn to play
We dont mind well sell you something
Anyway

Weve done all our market research
And our findings show
That this game of chess could be around
A month or so
Maybe its a bit confusing
For a game
But Rubiks Cubes were much the same
In the end the whole world bought one
All were gone
By which time we merchandisers
Had moved on

By which time we had moved on!

[ARBITER]
Im on the case, cant be fooled
Any objection is overruled
Dont try to tempt me -- youve no hope
I dont like women, I dont take dope
Im the Arbiter I know the score

[CHORUS]
From square one hell be watching all 64

[ARBITER]
You got your tricks -- good for you
But there is no gambit I dont see through
Im the Arbiter and I know best

[CHORUS]
Hes impartial dont push him hes unimpressed

[ARBITER]
Im the Arbiter my word is law

[CHORUS]
From square one hell be watching you...

[EVERYONE]
Dont you find it rather touching to behold
The game that came in from the cold
Seen for what it is -- religion plus finesse
Countries, classes, creeds, as one in
Love of chess