Lyrics:

Me and my friend, Billy Heeney..were about the same yknow Im 37. It was about 10 years ago; we were about...27, yknow? And we were hanging around in the bar where we grew up. And so we were talking to each other, yknow..reminiscing and specifically one night at this particular time, we were reminiscing about...teenage masturbation. Plain old adolescent hardcore jacking off, man. We were, yknow, talking about little secrets and shit and everything; we were older now. And, uh, we were talking about who you used to think of. Because we didnt know that we fantasized. We thought we thought about people. Lotta guys thought about movie stars...and a lotta guys thought about girls in the neighborhood. I always did because they seemed more possible, yknow. Hey, this can happen! Brings you up a few, doesnt it?



And while we were talkin; this was so beautiful. Cause it wouldnt be funny if he didnt really say it to me. Heeney says, Did you ever do Betty Ryan? I said, Yeah! He said, How was she, man?



Well, I believe in, uh, masturbation. I think if God had intended us not to masturbate, He would have made our arms shorter. Hey, I cant reach nuttin, cmere. Hey, gimme a hand, willya, cmere, cmere, cmere. Hey, ya wanna job? Hahaha. Its how phrases are started.



Well, I just think if youre gonna masturbate, man...treat yourself right. Dont just drag yourself in there again and use yourself. Bring home flowers. How about a movie and a quiet dinner for one? And be coy with yourself, man. I dont wanna! Aw cmon honey...for me? Sall you ever think about! One thing I never did was accept money from myself, man. I never bought any, boy! One time I caught myself with another hand. Never let your left hand know. Big trouble.



Theres another part of pre-adolescent sexuality or pre-adolescent good feelins. Its just on the threshold of innocence and wonder; its a little girl getting involved with the banister. Its quite innocent; its quite nice. Its quite okay, but its especially built for her. Young males can go up against any flat surface they want. Little girl seeks the banister out; the banister knows. The banister is sensitive to all this. Youll see the girl over there-



(mother voice:) What, whatre doing to the banister?



Just talking, Mom. Oh, whats the use..Mom, Dad, Id like you to meet the banister.



(Dad:) What do you do for a living, son?



Im a handrail.



Think you can support my daughter?



Ill support anyone wholl hold the handrail.



Thats right; the handrail loves it. The banister wants to be slid down. You girls; take a chance. Dont cheat. Dont go down sideways, sidesaddle, both legs off to the left. Its like premature withdrawal, its like dry humping. Doesnt mean anything. Banister wants you to straddle up good and come on down! Yeah.