Lyrics:

I've travelled this old world of ours from Barnsley to Peru,

I've had sunshine in the arctic and a swim in Tinbuktu,

I've seen unicorns in Burma and a Yetti in Nepal,

And I've danced with ten foot pygmies in a Montezuma hall,

I've met the King of China and a working Yorkshire miner -

But I've never met a nice South African!


No he's never met a nice South African,

And that's not bloody surprising man!

'Cause we're a bunch of arrogant b***tards,

Who hate black people!


I once got served in Woolies aften less than four week's wait,

I had lunch with Rowan Atkinson when he paid and wasn't late,

I know a public swimming bath where they don't piss in the pool,

I know a guy who got a job straight after leaving school,

I've met a normal merman, and a fairly modest German -

But I've never met a nice South African!


No he's never met a nice South African,

And that's not bloody surprising man!

'Cause we're a bunch of talentless murderers,

Who smell like baboons.


I've had a close encounter of the twenty-second kind,

That's when an alien spaceship disappears up your behind,

I got directory enquiries after less than forty rings,

I've even heard a decent song by Paul McCartney's Wings,

I've seen a flying pig, in a quite convincing wig,

But I've never met a nice South African!


No he's never met a nice South African,

And that's not bloody surprising man!

'Cause we're a bunch of ignorant loudmouths,

With no sense of humour.


I've met the Loch Ness monster and he looks like Fred Astaire,

At the BBC in London he's the chief commissionaire,

I know a place in Glasgow which is rife with daffodillies,

I met a man in Katmandu who claimed to have two willies,

I've had a nice pot noodle, but I've never had a poodle -

And I've never met a nice South African.


No he's never met a nice South African,

And that's not bloody surprising man,

Because we've never met one either!

Except for Breyten Breytenbach, and he's emigrated to Paris. (farts)


Yes he's quite a nice South African,

And he's hardly ever killed anyone,

And he's not smelly at all.

That's why we put him prison!