Lyrics:

Little sip of Perrier here, I had to stop drinking alcohol because I used to wake up nude and go to my car with my keys in my ass
Not a good thing, hi, can I help you? No thanks, it's just flooded, I'll be okay
Beautiful baby, beautiful, yeah
Don't you see? You're sucked into believing that beer is a healthy thing
Cause all the time you've got these beer commercials showing manly men doing manly things
You've just killed a small animal, it's time for a light beer
Why not have a realistic beer commercial? What's the realistic thing about beer where you go, 'It's five o'clock in the morning, you've just pissed on a dumpster, it's Miller time'?
It's a scary thing because you realize the first purpose of alcohol is to make English your second goddamn language
Eventually, you may be quite fluent, you may be a Nobel Prize physicist
You have a couple of beers on a nice hot day like today
You're wandering around going, 'California, aye!'
You're speaking fluent drunkenese, bravo
Next thing you know, you've got a couple more beers
You've got a friend in the headlock going, 'I love you little fucker, I love you!'
That's the kind of love I have for you, baby, God damn it
And you work your way up from beer
You get from beer, you go to wine
And I know the elegant people who are drinking wine right now in Montauk going
'Damn it, where are the unborn pairs?' I don't know
No, I'm talking to elegant people who drink wine and go
'I don't know whether to have the red wine or the white wine with the chicken or fish'
What's the matter, asshole? They're dead
The chicken's not going to reach up from the plate and go, 'Have the red wine'
It's wine, baby, and I'm not talking regular wine
Like Pouy Foussay or Pussy Fussy, uh-uh
I'm talking a fine white wine like Mad Dog 2020
You drink a bottle of that and all of a sudden you're seeing vapor trails
And he works his way up to cocktails
Then you realize the second purpose of alcohol
Is to make your brain a goddamn Etch-a-Sketch
You have a couple of cocktails, you can go boom
You can start over
That's the beauty, see
Basically when you realize, Mai Tai, Polynesian word for dumb fuck, yes
Rum drinks, mixed rum drinks
Man, the English Navy, they used to give you a couple of rum drinks
You'd wake up on an English ship going, 'Yeah, you're in the Navy, boy, ah, ha-ha'
Did you enjoy your rum drinks, smartass? Aye
Aye, because you've gone beyond that
Don't you see there, son?
Then you realize the third purpose of alcohol
Is to bring out the asshole in everybody
Cause you could be the sweetest person in the world
A couple of shots of Jack Daniels, you're going, 'Hey, fuck you!'
Get the fuck out of my face!
I'm sorry Father Bob, you've had enough
Ah, damn it! I love it!
And women!
You know why men buy you all those Long Island iced teas?
They want to get to know you as a person
Liar!
They want your mind to take a hike so they can go 'hahahaha'
Me? You find me repulsive?
Men, once they drink, they don't care anymore
They can walk up to you and go 'Hi, what's your name darling?'
What's your name, beautiful? What's your name, gorgeous? Huh? Fuck off! Really, are you Russian?
Fabulous! Fabulous! That's the beautiful thing! Oh, oh, I get it! You want me? Oh, oh, I missed uptight, bitch! Oh, I get it!
Oh, you're probably a lesbian! Oh, excuse me! I can't say that word anymore! Woman in comfortable shoes! Forgive me!
Then you've gone too far, you've gone too far
And you must pay your dues
This is why I had to give up alcohol
Cause you have to pay the next day
Pray, dear Lord, please don't hurt me now
There you are lying in bed
And you feel like the scene from the movie The Fly going
Help me, help me
The entire room is spinning like a roulette wheel
Place your bets, place your bets
There's the old toilet in the corner going
Talk to me
Talk to me
Then you realize you're an alcoholic when you repeat yourself
You realize you're an alcoholic when you repeat yourself
You realize you're an alcoholic
Oh damn it, damn it, god damn it
And then you have those nights
Where you don't remember what you goddamn did the night before
Where you get that phone call like
Yes, really?
I took a dump in your tuba?
Oh my god, he said, 'Sit in with the band, I'm sorry'
Oh god, it's over
Oh don't you see, it's all over, god damn it
And then the next thing you know
They're at Betty Ford Hospital going, 'I'm fine now'
I'm a reformed alcoholic
I feel so much better about myself
I'm fine, no you have that double vodka
I'll be over in the corner kicking the cat
I realized when I became a reformed alcoholic, I said, 'Hey, I'm the same asshole, I just have fewer dents in my car'
Oh, God damn it!
What is it?
No!
What is it about that?