Lyrics:

Two pints of lager and a packet of crisps, please
Two pints of lager and a packet of crisps, please
I'll have two pints of lager and a packet of crisps, please
I'll have some pickled onions
And a little bit of cheese, please
Thank you

Two pints of lager and a packet of crisps, please
Eh. Two pints of lager and a packet of crisps, please
Two pints of lager and a packet of crisps, please
And I've got all the right money
And all that, please
Thank you

Oi! Two pints of lager and a packet of crisps, please
Ay! Two pints of lager and a packet of crisps, please
Two pints of lager and a packet of crisps, please
I've been here half hour
And I'm getting very thirsty!
Two pints of lager and a packet of crisps, please
Over here!
Oi! Two pints of lager and a packet of crisps, please
Two pints of lager and a packet of crisps, please
Why won't you serve me?

Two pints of lager and a packet of crisps, please
Two pints of lager and a packet of crisps, please
Two pints of lager—
Listen, I'm getting impatient, John!

Two pints of lager and a packet of crisps
Two pints of lager and a packet of fff crisps
Two pints of lager and a packet of
(Time, gentlemen, please!)
And a packet of crisps

Oh. Ooh