Lyrics:

Two pints of lager and a packet of crisps, please*
Two pints of lager and a packet of crisps, please.
I'll have two pints of lager and a packet of crisps, please.
I'll have some pickled onions,
And a little bit of cheese, please.
Thank you.

Two pints of lager and a packet of crisps, please.
Eh. Two pints of lager and a packet of crisps, please.
Two pints of lager and a packet of crisps, please.
And I've got all the right money
And all that, please.
Thank you.

Oi! Two pints of lager and a packet of crisps, please.
Ay! Two pints of lager and a packet of crisps, please.
Two pints of lager and a packet of crisps, please.
I've been here half hour
And I'm getting very thirsty!

Two pints of lager and a packet of crisps, please.
Over here!
Oi! Two pints of lager and a packet of crisps, please.
Two pints of lager and a packet of crisps, please.
Why won't you serve me?

Two pints of lager and a packet of crisps, please.
Two pints of lager and a packet of crisps, please.
Two pints of lager—
Listen, I'm getting impatient, John!

Two pints of lager and a packet of crisps.
Two pints of lager and a packet of fff crisps.
Two pints of lager and a packet of
(Time, gentlemen, please!)
And a packet of crisps.
Oh. Ooh.