Lyrics:

She was fond of Renoir, and tasting Spanish wine
Taking care of children, she memorized every line
Hanging out her stocking for Santa Claus to sign
Oh how I wish she could be mine

Once I did...
Hand cuff my ankles to number 10 Downing Street
Claiming I was Winston Churchill
This mild schizophrenia made my chances leaner
For sharing her shed

Frequently admonished, for losing every job
I was feeling weary, my legs about to drop
Then I saw her mother-in-law displayed in a butcher's shop
Oh how my weakened heart did throb

Once I did...
Swallow three volumes of encyclopedias
Prizing such vast erudition
This wild Bibliomania, just made my head vainer
She left me stranded

Sometimes there are moments when fate treats us so cruel
Lamenting in the pigsty, I sat down on my stool
Agnes you're the nicest cow this side of Timbucktoo
Why was I born to be a mule, not even a bull
Agnes I feel such a fool