Lyrics:

Oh man, I gotta do - you know as a
Headliner I do forty-five minutes of comedy
That's a long time
That's a sitcom and a half
For Christ's sake

I've never seen a sitcom and said
"I wanna see that character for fifteen more minutes"
So I'm sick of myself and I know some of you are sick of me already
It's a long time to stand up here and say
"Hey, listen to me
Fuck, ha ha, don't talk or you'll get kicked the fuck out"

I got a great job, I can talk for forty-five minutes straight
If someone says one word, you're fucking out of here
That's too much man
I'm not that cocky God dammit
Go ahead, talk
Just use your hands

I got a business card
Cause I wanna win some lunches
That's what my business card says
"Mitch Hedberg, potential lunch winner
Give me a call, maybe we'll have lunch"
If I'm lucky

Hey man, I did a radio interview for XM radio, nobody heard it
Who has XM radio?
(Yeah)
Hey, I'll be damned it's growing in popularity
They said "you can swear on XM radio"
No shit, nobody can hear it
You can swear in the woods too

I want to climb a mountain, not so I can get climb to the top
Cause I wanna hang out at base camp
That seems fucking fun as shit
You sleep in a colorful tent
You grow a bread, you drink hot chocolate, you walk around
"Hey, you going to the top?"
"Soon"

I had a paper route when I was a kid
I was a paperboy
I was suppose to go to two thousand houses
Or two dumpsters

I saw a lady with a flower she was plucking out all of the petals
She was saying "he loves me, he loves me not"
Thank God the flower can't talk
What would it say?
"Fuck that hurts
Fuck that hurts as well
Fuck, leave me alone
I'm not longer pretty
And he loves you not
I could of told you I had an even number of petals"