Lyrics:

Well, it's a little late for Christmas but have one anyway
And while I'm on the subject, baby, have a happy birthday
How's your father? How's your mom?
Don't it make you itch a little when you know they've got the bomb?
Boy, it's been weird out here lately but I guess that's OK too
'Cause television is here to save us and tell us what to do.

Kojak, Kojak, Kojak,Columbo
Sell me an old one, sell me some gumbo
Tell me a new one, at least once a night
Show me an old one but don't turn out your love light.

You've got nineteen inches, baby, and that's a real good size
I could lie there on the floor and just look at you all night long
I could just twist your knobs right off and fool around with you
I don't need no TV guide to tell me what to do.

Kojak, Kojak, Kojak,Columbo
Sell me an old one, sell me some gumbo
Tell me a new one, at least once a night
Tell me an old one but save out your love light.

Ah, and when I get too old, too old to rock and roll
I'll sit in my unrockin' chair, babe, and use my remote control.

Kojak, Kojak, Kojak, Columbo
Sell me an old one, sell me some gumbo
Tell me a new one, at least once a night
Show me an old one but don't turn out your love light.

You've got nineteen inches, baby, that's a real good size
I'd like to poke my eyes inside you, baby, and just look around
I love your cute little rabbit ears, I love your cable and your box
And when I turn out the light at night, baby, I hope that light never stops
Your love light, Kojak.