Lyrics:

Hello and welcome to I Have Achieved Nothing with me, Beardyman, who hasn't achieved anything. Let's hear from out first caller. Hello caller, what's your name?
My name's Stacey
Where are you from Stacey?
I'm from Essex
Stacey from Essex, and Stacey what do you do in Essex?
I'm a receptionist
And what have you achieved today?
Erm, nothing
Correct
Well done, you win a crippling sense of disappointment and a general lingering malaise
Oh great
Do you really mean that?
No
You disingenuous drone
I like X Factor
Thank you for playing I Have Achieved Nothing which hasn't achieved anything, coming up next-