Lyrics:

Twenty-five hours of love in the life of 'Happy the Golden Prince Rides Again'
His sluggish purple crest flopping over his dotty eyes
As he casts a revolting shadow over the courtyard
For many years he had played by himself in the vaults and turrets of his father's castle
Occasionally drawing back the musty curtains of burgundy red
That masked him from the challenging sun or the ovulating moon
He would lurch past the flies on the windowsill like a figurehead through a bag of dust
Tip over the battlements and cough himself rigid
Until white tears tumbled sluggishly from the slot in his neck
He would watch them recede into the fiery blue waters of the living moat
And hiss with amusement as each drop animated into a steel grey tadpole
That writhed and dipped away towards the bank

One lurid afternoon Happy was surprised to see an ex-tadpole of his
Develop into something he had never before seen
For, living alone as he did, with only mirrors for company, he knew nothing of women

The creature stood motionless on the opposite bank
Her alabaster limbs beckoning him from his father's hall
It was weird
She seemed as still and cold as a statue
Indeed Happy fancied he saw ivy curling 'round her feet
Yet her very stillness challenged the foetid breeze that stirred the trees and shrubs about the moat

Happy sensed that she was important

Then suddenly she opened both her eyes for what must have been the first time
And he saw that they were trained on him
They were of a powerful matte strawberry hue
And they shone with the luster of newly-opened chestnuts
Her left hand dipped slightly and her mouth turned up at the corner
As if to finally dispel any doubts as to her existence

A creeper that dangled flaccidly from the nearest turret-top
Brushed against the shoulders of the purple-headed prince as he stood
Pinned like a butterfly on a dartboard
Transfixed but still writhing at her beauty
Her sneer increased to a smile and, as it did
Happy felt like a bottle of ginger beer that someone had shaken violently and was about to open
Giddily, he swung himself onto the battlements, grabbed the idle creeper
And swung across the water toward the princess
He landed with a milky squelch at her side and beneath an extraordinarily gnarled sumac tree
Instantly she leapt away, giving the lie to her immobility
This was flesh and blood!
Happy was convulsed with a strange yet familiar sensation
He felt he should be in a bathroom

And as he looked the lowering vegetation above and before him
Took on the dingy suggestive aura of dripping taps
The moss beneath his shiny pink feet was breathing sponge
Caressing every pore of his skin with slimy microscopic tendrils
And the moat behind him glistened like a sapphire basin silhouetting the darker lilypads
That floated across it like filthy suds

Abruptly, Happy broke off this reverie, and wildly rotated his gaze
The creature had vanished
Where could it be?
Happy reared up like a stallion and rammed through the undergrowth
In pursuit of the first female he had ever seen
A slithering rubbery whale diverted him from his soggy course and he glanced to his left

There it was!
Crouched in the corner of a clearing, her eyes bleeding light into his
Wearing a leopard-skin leotard, clutching an antenna to her brow
And muttering 'mm-gah' through a megaphone at him
The ground shook
And the jaws of the Earth admitted Happy the golden prince headfirst into a deep hole
The wavy green turf closed over him
Though his thrashing feet disturbed the surface for a moment or two longer
Happy found himself upside-down in a narrow fluorescent well that was both moist and cheesy
He quivered uncontrollably, aching with every inch of his soul to scratch something
But where he could not tell
His feet were ringing like telephone bells, and his head felt ready to burst
His cloak flapped open over his head like a bat's
And he became aware that the well was growing hotter and more muscular
It seemed strangely enough to be shrinking about him like a skin around a fine pork sausage
Yet he didn't mind
His whole life at the castle lay behind him now, sterile and eventless

He thought only how he would love to sneeze
And felt nothing but relief when the cool arms of the woman vigorously unscrewed his head
And the toothpaste flowed out
As if it were gushing from a broken dam
Into the very womb of the earth

'So that's who I am!' he cried

Happy the golden prince

Happy the golden prince

Happy the golden prince

Happy the golden prince

Happy the golden prince

Happy the golden prince

Happy the golden prince

Happy the golden prince

Happy the golden prince

Happy the golden prince

Happy the golden prince

Happy the golden prince