Lyrics:

Somebody find me a wheelchair
I'm feeling kind of faint today
I got beriberi and a whooping cough
I think I'm gonna fade away

I got a case of yellow fever
I get it every other week
My gums swell up with the scurvy
It gets so hard to speak

I got a bad case of sneeze
I got wobbly knees
Just call me Hairy Hypochondriac

Hurry up and call the doctor
I think I got the mumps again
Bring me morphine, mama, and some codeine, papa
Read the last rites, my friend

Now I think I'm seeing double
My heart don't seem to beat
Checking for scarlet fever
Being sick sure ain't neat

I got a bad case of sneeze
I got wobbly knees
Just call me Hairy Hypochondriac

Medicare, Allsup, and Blue Cross
Never seem to be enough
I got a paid-up suite in a hospital
Good gosh of mine, things are rough

Ever since I was a baby
Mama said 'The boy ain't well!'
I know that things ain't one bit better
'Cause my health's all shot to hell

I got a bad case of sneeze
I got wobbly knees
Just call me Hairy Hypochondriac

spoken:
Hey, doc! I got this pain all over my left leg!
Does that mean my arm is gonna fall off?

I got a bad case of sneeze
I got wobbly knees
Just call me Hairy Hypochondriac

spoken:
Hey, doc! It's about these spots in front of my eyes.
What is it, malaria? Am I going blind? What is it?

I got a bad case of sneeze
I got wobbly knees
Just call me Hairy Hypochondriac

spoken:
I can't seem to turn my neck around. What does that mean?
Have I got a whiplash or something?
Stretcher! Medic! Corpsman! Help! Help!

I got a bad case of sneeze
I got wobbly knees
Just call me Hairy Hypochondriac