Lyrics:

When I was six years old my sister Alyson
Asked for a stove for her birthday
A miniature one you could actually cook with
And my mom was nice and she bought one
Alyson needed a reason to bake something
Barged in my room and she grabbed me
She said:
'I made a cake and we`re going next door
To sam weinstein`s and you`re getting married'

The cake was burned
It tasted gross
She made me kiss him
On the mouth

Now I am 33
Unmarried happily
No plans in life and I`m planning to keep it that way
I do kissing with only one mission
Do you like to kiss? then you have my permission

And I have already spent too much time
Doing things I didn`t want to
So if I just want to make out all the time
You can bet your black ass that I`m going to

When I was nine I was kind of a loser
The kids in my class didn`t like me
Melanie chow was the meanest of all
And my mom made me go to her party

Nobody talked to me I sat there quietly
Drawing with crayons on a napkin
A picture of melanie skewered with a pitchfork
Her legs getting eaten by lions

The cake was good
I took some home
I had a party
In my room

Now I have friends and I`m not such a loser
But I go to bars all alone and I sit there
And order red wine and I write and I like being alone around people
Yes that`s how I like it

And I`ve already spent too much time
Doing things I didn`t want to
So if I wanna sit here and write and drink wine
You can bet your black ass that I`m going to

Yes I come here often
Sure I`ll have another one
Yes I come here often
Sure I`ll have another one
But I don`t have to talk to you

When I was 17 I was a blowjob queen
Picking up tips from the masters
I was so busy perfecting my art I was clueless to what they were after
Now I`m still a blowjob queen (far more selectively)
I don`t make love now to make people love me
But I don`t mind sharing my gift with the planet
We`re all gonna die and a blowjob`s fantastic

And

When I was 25 I was a rock star
But it didn`t pay too well I had to strip on the side
Of the road to get ready for shows and the cars driving by
Baby they`d never know
What a bargain they`d gotten
And if I`m forgotten
I`m perfectly happy with all that has happened
And I still get laughed at but it doesn`t bother me
I`m just so glad to hear laughter around me

And I`ve already spent too much time
Doing things I didn`t want to

So if I want to drink alone dressed like a pirate
Or look like a dyke
Or wear high heels and lipstick
Or hide in a convent
Or try to be mayor
Or marry a writer
Smoke crack and slash tires
Make jokes you don`t like
Or paint ducks and retire

You can bet your black ass that I`m going to