Lyrics:

[Intro]
'Aye, what's going on man?
It's your boy Lil Dicky
Aka Mr. Leftward-Sloping Penis
I got a story for y'all, man
Peep this
Yes sir..! Aiight, let's go'

[Verse 1: Lil Dicky]
Now I been datin this girl named Katie, she hot as hell
And her body crazy, vagina shaven and it dont smell
And I don't fall for chickens
But this one a little different, body sickening
Plus, she really good at making breaded chicken
Got me thinkin she the one, man
Even fully clothed, shawty really fun man
Get a lotta hoes, but none of those come close
I swear this the most that I've felt so damn exposed
Oh yeah there's one more thing
And I know this shit gonna sound insane
But I still haven't hit it
I admit it, I wish I was kidding
Never been up inside before
Because she's only fucked one guy before
And though I really wanna boink this whore
She my sweetie 3.14
So I'm stayin patient and masturbating
And now my heart is sorta racing
Cause she said tonight will be the night we do some fornicating
Hell yeah, I'm down, I'm bout to go all out
I'm gonna pound that crazy, like an elaborate black man handshake
But on the way to crib, we pass this kid
And he seem to know who Katie is
So I say 'Who this?' and she say
'Dicky, this is my ex-boyfriend Jim!'

[Hook 1]
And I ain't usually the one to be the jealous type
But as I'm looking at this dude, I can't believe my eyes
Cause he's the best looking guy that I've seen in my whole life
He's got the thickest head of hair, chiseled jaw, an egregious bod
Man, this the closest thing I've seen to a Grecian god
And now I'm lookin at my chick, cause his dick's been inside her raw (fuck that!)
Aw, damn

[Verse 2]
Man this is crazy
I can't believe this guy used to fuck my lady
I bet he left that pussy ravaged like Haiti
Katie's hugging and squeezing his shoulder blades
And I'm buggin and queasy, this ain't okay
And then they say, 'Let's get drinks' so I say 'Okay'
Even though I was about to get laid!
Man this muhfucker look like Ashton
Combined wit a lil Hugh Jackman
In other words, he's so damn attractive
So damn tan, he gotta have a little black in him
Now I'm in the back wit him, sippin on some 'gnac wit him
And he payin for it all, he investment banking
I'm acting like I ain't distracted
But I'm reenacting him and Katie bangin'
And now I'm feelin' pissed, so I go and take a piss
Midstream, I look left and guess who it is
And I had to see, and I was mad discreet
And I got on my tippy toes and I took a little peek
'Oh my god becky, look at that cock!'

[Hook 2]
And I ain't usually the one to be the jealous type
But as I'm lookin at his dick, I can't believe me eyes
Because he's got the biggest cock that I've seen in my whole life
And now I'm starin at this dude's soft dick with a lot of hate
Because the shit is plus 8 like Jon and Kate
And I don't know if I can date my girl after tonight
Aw, damn

[Verse 3]
I don't know what to do, dude's dick is really huge
I didn't realize a penis could be so smooth
I know she's missing that, my penis isn't that
I'm lookin closer I think that his dick has abs
Six pack on a dick, now what the fuck is that?
It's so long and thick, It's like a punching bag
I'm saying it's so shaven, head is amazing
Got my dick looking like a raisin
Skin tone insane, man he's hung like Saddam Hussein, it's crazy
What the fuck should I do?
He gotta Ruth's Chris dick, and mine's a drive-thru....
I think it's time to tell Katie my goodbyes
Cause I simply can't survive
After seeing what was in between his thighs
So I tell her

[Hook 3]
'That this dude's got a dick that I don't comprehend
I had to move my neck to see it end to end
I mean the physics of his dick just don't make any sense
And I think it's for the best if this comes to an end
Because the sex with him must have been the best
And I would say let's just be friends
But I think I would just think about his dick all the time, so goodbye'
Then she told me, 'Dicky, I don't really know what to say
Because I dated this dude in second grade
So I don't know about his dick, now let's go home and get you laid...'

[Outro]
And then I took her to my crib, and you know that we belly slapped
And I gave her an O like I was selling crack, and when I came, I pulled out and nutted all over her left thigh
And upper mid-section region, you can call that the pelvis
Some would even call that the pubic bone
Leave the pubes at home, making this up on the spot
Fuck you know about it?
I'm about to go paper-mache my own dick and ride it