Lyrics:

(VELMA)
Front step, cha-cha-cha.
Back step, cha-cha-cha.
Side step, front step,
Back, and turn.

(TRACY)
Oh my God, Penny, there's Link- Link! I can't believe I'm really here auditioning!

(PENNY)
I can't believe I'm really here watching you audition!

(VELMA)
Front step, cha-cha-cha.
Back step, cha-cha-cha.
Side step, front step,
Back, and t-

Oh, Amber, look at this motley crew! Oh, this town sure has gone downhill since crowned Miss-

(AMBER)
Oh Mother, not more ancient history!

(VELMA)
Oh, my God, how times have changed!
These girls must be blind or completely deranged.
But time seemed to halt
When I was Miss Baltimore
Crabs.

Amber! That move is far too dirty!

(AMBER)
Mother, wake up from that dream of yours, this isn't 1930.

(VELMA)
You can laugh, but life's a test.
Don't do this, don't do that! Remember- Mother knows best.
For the crown's in the vault
From when I won Miss Baltimore
Crabs.

(AMBER)
These steps are perfect ammunition.

(VELMA)
Let me show you how your Mommy dear took out the competition. Girls, go get 'em. Boys, let's rumba. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven.

Those poor runner-ups might still hold some grudges.
They padded their cups, but I screwed the judges.
Those broads thought they'd win
If a plate they would spin in their dance.
Ha! Not a chance!

Boys, put me down. Oh, good morning ladies. Let's see what you got.

(COUNCIL MEMBERS)
Twist, twist, twist, twist. Mashed potato, mambo.

(VELMA)
Ready? Begin.

On my show, you'll never find
A thrusting hip or bumping grind.

(AMBER)
What's that? A dance for fleas and ticks?

(VELMA)
Oh, you should have seen my bag of tricks!

Oh, I hit the stage, batons ablaze!
While belting Aida and preparing souffles!
But that triple somersault
Is how I clinched Miss Baltimore
Crabs!

[Instrumental Break]

(VELMA)
Proceed.

(TAMMY)
Are you scared we're on live?

(TRACY)
No, I'm sure I can cope.

(AMBER)
Well, this show isn't broadcast in-

(COUNCIL MEMBERS)
cinema scope!

(VELMA)
I never drank one chocolate malt-
No desserts for Miss Baltimore
Crabs.

(AMBER)
This one will never get a date in those hand-me-down clothes.

(VELMA)
Ha! Kid, she'll never get a date if Daddy buys her a new nose.

I would say, "Oy, gevalt!"
If I wasn't Miss Baltimore Crabs.

(AMBER)
Do you dance like you dress?

(LINK)
Amber, there's no need to be cruel.

(VELMA)
Would you swim in an integrated pool?

(TRACY)
I sure would! I'm all for integration. It's the new frontier!

(VELMA)
Not in Baltimore, it isn't.
And may I be frank?

First impressions can be tough and when I saw you, I knew it.
If your size weren't enough, your last answer just blew it.
And so, my dear, so short and stout,
You'll never be in, so we're kicking you out!
With your form and your face, oh, but it isn't your fault.
You're just down with a case of Miss
Baltimore Crabs!

Eh, you may go.

(TRACY)
Um, thank you?

(PENNY)
I think they secretly liked you!

(LITTLE INEZ)
May I please audition?

(VELMA)
Ha ha ha, of course not!

But you may bow and exalt
'Cause I am Miss Baltimore
Crabs!

(COUNCIL MEMBERS)
Crabs, crabs, crabs!