Lyrics:

I was watching the news tonight
They were doing a story on bungee cord jumping
'Cause that's been the new popular ride now at all the state fairs
And I might have tried bungee jumping
'Til I saw that video of that guy whose cord came untied
He didn't know it 'til he hit the ground
Oh, he flew off that tower hollering at his buddies
"Whoo! Whoa, check me out, dudes!
Whoo, that ground is coming up!" Bam!

And what do you say if you're the operator of that ride
To the next guy in line?

"Alright dude, you're up"

So I'm watching these guys bungee jump
And I'm thinking they're idiots
But then I realized, you know what?
I've done idiotic stuff like that
In college we parachuted
You know, we were drunk
Somebody said, "Let's jump out of a plane"
We're like, "Alright, who's gonna carry the cooler?"

'Cause in college your whole life
Revolves around that cooler, doesn't it?
You betcha it does, it was my desk
All my term papers had the word "igloo" stenciled into it
Professor would be like, "Mr. Lou?"

Now there's two ways to parachute
You can do tandem
That's where your instructor's attached to you
I could never do that
'Cause I was always afraid if I started freaking out
He'd cut me loose
I was like, "Oh my God, we're gonna die!"
"Nope, you are"

Or you can jump solo
Now the military trains you right
You train for three weeks and you do your jump
We were in college, we had no money
We went to Hank's Parachuting School
Thirty minutes, that was our whole training
So when you jump, you jump by weight
Lightest person jumps first, heaviest jumps last
I'm the last to jump in our group
The first is this little freshman girl
She had done it before
She jumps, she does like a little flip, twist
Her chute opens, we're like, "Cool"

Hank's partying with us
He's like, "Whoo, brewskis!"
He'd never drink and drive, but drink and fly
I figured that was cool
No white lines, who's gonna hit him?

So the guy before me is out on the wing of the plane
And when you jump you're supposed to push back away from the plane
Well apparently he either missed this
Or Hank forgot to cover it
'Cause this guy just let go and bounced off the wheel of the plane
I was like, "Aah! Hank, he just hit the wheel!"
"Oh, he's alright, crack me another beer, Billy"
So it's my turn to jump
And I've got one of two options here
I can either keep flying with Otis the drunk
Or take the jump
So I decide the jump is less dangerous
So when you jump you're supposed to count to ten
Well there I am falling towards the
Earth at a hundred miles an hour going
"I forgot how to count!"
Finally I mumbled "one" and my chute opened
Now when you parachute you wear a harness
With straps that come up through here
And when the chute opens it jerks you straight up
Well the straps have to go somewhere
It pinched one of the twins so bad

I became a paralyzed crab
I was like, "Eee!"
And you wear this one-way radio
So they can talk to you but you can't talk to them
But you forget that, man
'Cause I was screaming, "Hank! Hank, one of the twins is squished!"
And I must have been screaming really loud
'Cause I heard him go, "What?"
So now I'm trying to adjust this strap and hang onto the chute
You know, people on the ground like, "Look, he's dancing!"
I don't know what finally happened
I don't know if it just got tired of being squished
And like slid over next to his buddy
But it finally adjusted and I'm just like, "Oh"
Tears are flying off my face
I look down, I'm ten feet off the ground
I've missed the whole jump
'Cause one of my family has been in peril
And the one thing they tell you is when you're landing
Don't look down
Well I'm like, "Aah!"
'Cause I'm waiting to see it come dribbling out of my pants leg
And I just squished into the ground
I was so happy to be alive
I jumped up and the wind caught my chute
And I went, "Wham!"
So now I'm being drug along the ground
"Where is the cooler?"