Lyrics:

''dorothy''

look, Toto! There It Is! The Mall!

''toto''

yap, Yap, Yap!

''dorothy''

gee, It's A Lot Bigger Than The Stores Back Home. I Bet They Waste A Lot Of Electricity With All Those Decorations. I Sure Hope Santa's There.

''elf''

who Are You!

''dorothy''

i'm Dorothy, And I'm Trying To Find Santa's Workshop.

''elf''

the Mall Is Closed! Now, Go Away!

''dorothy''

but We've Come So Far On The Yellow Snow Road. My Shoes Got Wrecked And I Brought Auntie Em's Gold Card With Me. It's Got A $10,000 Limit.

''elf''

now, Now, Calm Down Little Girl. You Got A Gold Card Why Didn't Ya' Say So That's A Card Of A Different Color. Come On In.

''santa'' ('loud, Booming Voice')

ho Ho Ho! I Am The Overweight And Wonderful Claus. Who Dares Disturb My Long Winter's Nap

''dorothy''

i-If You Please, Sir, Mr. Claus, I-I'm Dorothy And I Want...

''santa''

silence! The Great Claus Knows Why You Are Here. Look, It's Been A Long Day. My Lap Is Tired And I'm Out Of Film. Besides, I Have To Feed My Reindeer.

''dorothy''

hey, Who's That

''santa''

pay No Attention To That Skinny Guy Behind The Escalator. The One With The Pillow Tied Behind His Waist. I Am The Overweight And Wonderful ('voice Becomes A Lot Less Deep') Claus. Oh, Man, Am I Starving. Ah, Ya' Got A Sandwich On Ya'

''dorothy''

why, You're Not Santa Claus At All.

''santa''

well, I'm Afraid I Am. You See, Mrs. Claus Put Me On The Slim Fast Diet. Ah, I'm Supposed To Have A Belly That Shakes Like A Bowl Full Of Jelly. Now All I Have Is Shakes. One For Breakfast, One For Lunch And A Sensible Cookie And Skim Milk For Dinner. I Hate It.

''dorothy''

how Come You're Not Making Toys Up At The North Pole It's Almost Christmas.

''santa''

oh, I'm Out Of The Manufacturing Business, Dorothy. I'm Just A Middleman Now.

''dorothy''

but Don't You Still Deliver The Toys

''santa''

oh, Yeah. Guaranteed Overnight Delivery. Absolutely, Positively By 2 A.m.

''dorothy''

well, Where Do You Get The Presents (Sound Of Doorbell Ringing)

''santa''

oh, Uh, Hang On A Second.

''deliveryman''

delivery For Mr. Kringle. Ah, Thank You, Please. Oh, Zank You Very Much.

''santa''

oh No, Just Put Them Over There By The, Uh, Vcrs, Okay Thanks A Lot, Guys.

''dorothy''

gee, What Happened To Santa's Workshop

(Music Of 'if I Only Had A Brain' From 'the Wizard Of Oz' Begins Playing)

''santa''

you Know, Looking Back, I Should Have Seen It Coming. Boy, I Was The King Of The North Pole. Afraid Of Nobody. I Could Build Anything.

'but Then The Kids Got Into Go-Bots'
'nintendo Games And Robots'
'it Wasn't Quite The Same'

'i Could Make One Thousand Scooters'
'but I Never Learned Computers'
'so The Shop Went Down The Drain'

''elves''

'we Were Busy Building Wagons'
'till Orders Started Draggin
''santa''

'it Really Was A Shame'

''elves''

'the Japanese Were On A Mission'

''elf''

'we Were Blind To Competition'

''santa''

'we Was Busy Making Trains'

''elves''

'we Thought We Made It All'
'from Barbie Dolls To Rubber Balls'
'but Betsy Wetsy Took A Fall'

''santa''

'they Marked Her Down'

''elves''

'she's At The Mall!'

''santa''

'all The Games Are Complicated'
'that Joystick's Overrated'
'it Really Rots Your Brain'

''elves''

'all The Kids Would Be In Heaven'

''female Elves''

'instead Of Hangin' At 7-Eleven'

''santa''

'if They Only Had A Train'
o-O-O-O-Hh!

''dorothy''

(Sobs)

i Guess Santa's Workshop Is Gone Forever.

''santa''

oh, I'm Sorry, Dorothy. I Wish There Was Something I Could Do To Help. But I Gotta Get Busy. It's Almost Christmas, And I Gotta Put Batteries In All These Game Boys.

''elf''

rook. Here Comes Somebody Who Can Help.

''santa''

oh, How Does She Do That

''elf''

oh, Very Easy. Horographic Projections. Ratest Technology.

''dorothy''

oh, Can You Help

''female Fairy''

santa Never Needed Any Help. He Had The Power To Work Out Of The North Pole All Along.

''santa''

i Do I Mean, I Did I Do

''dorothy''

so What Should We Do Click Our Heels Together

''female Fairy''

oh, No. That Only Works In The Movies. All He Has To Do Is Just Hook These Up.

''dorothy''

why, It's A Fax Machine.

''santa''

and A Cellular Phone With Voice Messaging. And, Look, A Pager! I'm Back In Business. Ho, Ho, Ho!

''dorothy''

can It Be True Will The Elves Be Making Toys Again

''santa''

they Will If They Move To Mexico. I Can Save A Bundle If I Do My Manufacturing South Of The Border. And With These Gizmos, I Can Keep Track Of Who's Naughty And Who's Nice From Anywhere!

''dorothy''

jiminy Christmas! Oh No!