Lyrics:

Nicky:
Help the homeless!
Help the homeless!
Ooh! Hey Princeton!

Give me a quarter!
Here in my hat!
Come on, Princeton!
It’s as easy as that!
Helping others brings you
Closer to God.
So give me a quarter...

Princeton:
I don’t have any change.

Nicky:
Hmmm....okay.

Give me a dollar.

Princeton:
That’s not what I meant.

Nicky:
Give me a five.

Princeton:
Are you kidding?

Nicky:
The more you give.
The more you get.
That’s being alive!
All I’m asking you
Is to do what
Jesus Christ would do.
He’d give me a quarter,
Why don’t you?

Princeton:
All right, all right, here you go.

Nicky:
Ahh, thanks!

Princeton:
Take care.
Whoa!

Nicky:
What’s the matter?

Princeton:
I feel generous!
I feel compassionate!

Nicky:
You do?

Princeton:
Yeah! I feel like a new person - a good person!
Helping other people out makes you feel fantastic!

Nicky:
That’s what I’ve been trying to tell you-

Princeton:
All this time I’ve been running around thinking
about me, me, me - and where has it gotten me!
I’m gonna do something for someone else!

Nicky:
Me?

Princeton:
No - Kate! I’m going to raise the money to build that
stupid Monster School she’s always talking about!

Give me your money!

Nicky:
What?

Princeton:
I need it for Kate!

Nicky:
I need it to eat!

Princeton:
Come on, Nicky!

Nicky:
Aww, get lost!

Princeton:
It’ll make you feel great!

Nicky:
So would a burger!

Princeton:
When her dream comes true,
It’ll all be partly
Thanks to you
So give me your money!

Nicky:
I’d like to, but I can’t.

Princeton:
Give me your money!

Nicky:
I’d like to, but I need it!

Princeton:
Give me your money!

Nicky:
I’d like to, but I’m homeless!
I can’t! I need it! I’m homeless!
I can’t! I need it! I’m homeless!
I can’t! I need it! I’m homeless!
Okay, here you go.

Princeton:
Thank you!

Nicky:
Suddenly,
I am feeling
Closer to God.
It’s time to stop begging
It’s time to start giving!
What can I give to Rod?

Something he’ll like so much he’ll take me back.
Ooh, I know! I’ll find him a boyfriend!

Princeton:
That’s the spirit!

Both:
When you help others,
You can’t help helping yourself!
When you help others,
You can’t help helping yourself!

Gary Coleman:
Hey boys, what’s the hat for?

Nicky:
Ooh, we’re collecting money!

Princeton:
It’s for Kate! We’re raising money to help build her dream school!

Give us your money!

Nicky:
You’ll be glad that you did!

Gary Coleman:
That’s just what my parents told me
When I was a kid.

Shit.

Nicky:
But giving feels so great...

Gary Coleman:
And I bet it wouldn’t hurt
Your chances with Kate.

Princeton:
Well, that too.

Gary Coleman:
I’ll give you a dollar.

Princeton:
You’re a gentleman
And a scholar.

Christmas Eve:
We so happy! We just exchange all your wedding gifts for cash!

Brian:
Honey, don’t tell THEM that!

Christmas Eve:
We get about 2,000 bucks!

Brian:
Uh, yeah, so - thanks, everybody!

Christmas Eve:
We rich!

Princeton:
Give us your money!

Nicky:
Give us your money!

Gary Coleman:
Give us your goddamn money!

Princeton:
Give us the dough!

Nicky/Gary Coleman
Give us the dough!

Princeton/Nicky/Gary Coleman
We’re raising money
For a Monster School
But we’ve got a ways to go.

Princeton:
Sounds like you’ve
Got money to burn

Nicky:
And it’s not like money
That you had to earn.

Princeton/Nicky/Gary Coleman:
So give us your money -

Christmas Eve:
A monster school?

Brian:
Sounds like a good cause.

Christmas Eve:
Give me your wallet.

Princeton:
Oh my gosh! I don’t know how to thank you guys.
I mean, Kate will be so grateful!
That kind of money is such a great start...

Gary Coleman:
Yeah, $15.

Princeton:
$15?

Christmas Eve:
Every little bit help.

Nicky:
Looks like we’re gonna have to ask MORE people!
All:
Hey!
Give us your money!
All that you’ve got!
Just fork it on over...

Gary Coleman:
Or some puppets
Will get shot!

Princeton:
Hey!

All:
It’s time to pass the hat

Gary Coleman:
And there’s nothing you can do ‘bout that

All:
So give us your money!
Give us your money!
Give us your money!
When you help others,
You can’t help helping yourself!
When you help others,
You can’t help helping yourself!
Every time you
Do good deeds
You’re also serving
Your own needs.
When you help others,
You can’t help helping yourself!
When you give
To a worthy cause
You’ll feel as jolly
As Santa Clause.
When you help others,
You can’t
Help
Helping yourself!