Lyrics:

Ladies and gentlemen
Welcome to the disclaimer
That's right, the disclaimer

This American apple pie institution
Known as parental discretion
Will cleanse any sense of innuendo or sarcasm
From the lyrics that might actually make you think
And will also insult your intelligence at the same time

So protect your family.
This album contains explicit depictions
Of things which are real.
These real things are commonly known as life.
So, if it sounds sarcastic, don't take it seriously.
If it sounds dangerous,
Do not try this at home or at all.
And if it offends you, just don't listen to it