Lyrics:

Abbott Well, Costello, I'm Going To New York With You. Bucky Harris The Yankee's Manager Gave Me A Job As Coach For As Long As You're On The Team.

costello Look Abbott, If You're The Coach, You Must Know All The Players.

abbott I Certainly Do.

costello Well You Know I've Never Met The Guys. So You'll Have To Tell Me Their Names, And Then I'll Know Who's Playing On The Team.

abbott Oh, I'll Tell You Their Names, But You Know It Seems To Me They Give These Ball Players Now-A-Days Very Peculiar Names.

costello You Mean Funny Names

abbott Strange Names, Pet Names...like Dizzy Dean...

costello His Brother Daffy

abbott Daffy Dean...

costello And Their French Cousin.

abbott French

costello Goofe'

abbott Goofe' Dean. Well, Let's See, We Have On The Bags, Who's On First, What's On Second, I Don't Know Is On Third...

costello That's What I Want To Find Out.

abbott I Say Who's On First, What's On Second, I Don't Know's On Third.

costello Are You The Manager

abbott Yes.

costello You Gonna Be The Coach Too

abbott Yes.

costello And You Don't Know The Fellows' Names.

abbott Well I Should.

costello Well Then Who's On First

abbott Yes.

costello I Mean The Fellow's Name.

abbott Who.

costello The Guy On First.

abbott Who.

costello The First Baseman.

abbott Who.

costello The Guy Playing...

abbott Who Is On First!

costello I'm Asking You Who's On First.

abbott That's The Man's Name.

costello That's Who's Name

abbott Yes.

costello Well Go Ahead And Tell Me.

abbott That's It.

costello That's Who

abbott Yes. Pause

costello Look, You Gotta First Baseman

abbott Certainly.

costello Who's Playing First

abbott That's Right.

costello When You Pay Off The First Baseman Every Month, Who Gets The Money

abbott Every Dollar Of It.

costello All I'm Trying To Find Out Is The Fellow's Name On First Base.

abbott Who.

costello The Guy That Gets...

abbott That's It.

costello Who Gets The Money...

abbott He Does, Every Dollar Of It. Sometimes His Wife Comes Down And Collects It.

costello Who's Wife

abbott Yes. Pause

abbott What's Wrong With That

costello I Wanna Know Is When You Sign Up The First Baseman, How Does He Sign His Name

abbott Who.

costello The Guy.

abbott Who.

costello How Does He Sign...

abbott That's How He Signs It.

costello Who

abbott Yes. Pause

costello All I'm Trying To Find Out Is What's The Guys Name On First Base.

abbott No. What Is On Second Base.

costello I'm Not Asking You Who's On Second.

abbott Who's On First.

costello One Base At A Time!

abbott Well, Don't Change The Players Around.

costello I'm Not Changing Nobody!

abbott Take It Easy, Buddy.

costello I'm Only Asking You, Who's The Guy On First Base

abbott That's Right.

costello Ok.

abbott Alright. Pause

costello What's The Guy's Name On First Base

abbott No. What Is On Second.

costello I'm Not Asking You Who's On Second.

abbott Who's On First.

costello I Don't Know.

abbott He's On Third, We're Not Talking About Him.

costello Now How Did I Get On Third Base

abbott Why You Mentioned His Name.

costello If I Mentioned The Third Baseman's Name, Who Did I Say Is Playing Third

abbott No. Who's Playing First.

costello What's On Base

abbott What's On Second.

costello I Don't Know.

abbott He's On Third.

costello There I Go, Back On Third Again! Pause

costello Would You Just Stay On Third Base And Don't Go Off It.

abbott Alright, What Do You Want To Know

costello Now Who's Playing Third Base

abbott Why Do You Insist On Putting Who On Third Base

costello What Am I Putting On Third.

abbott No. What Is On Second.

costello You Don't Want Who On Second

abbott Who Is On First.

costello I Don't Know. Together Third Base! Pause

costello Look, You Gotta Outfield

abbott Sure.

costello The Left Fielder's Name

abbott Why.

costello I Just Thought I'd Ask You.

abbott Well, I Just Thought I'd Tell Ya.

costello Then Tell Me Who's Playing Left Field.

abbott Who's Playing First.

costello I'm Not...stay Out Of The Infield!!! I Want To Know What's The Guy's Name In Left Field

abbott No, What Is On Second.

costello I'm Not Asking You Who's On Second.

abbott Who's On First!

costello I Don't Know. Together Third Base! Pause

costello The Left Fielder's Name

abbott Why.

costello Because!

abbott Oh, He's Center Field. Pause

costello Look, You Gotta Pitcher On This Team

abbott Sure.

costello The Pitcher's Name

abbott Tomorrow.

costello You Don't Want To Tell Me Today

abbott I'm Telling You Now.

costello Then Go Ahead.

abbott Tomorrow!

costello What Time

abbott What Time What

costello What Time Tomorrow Are You Gonna Tell Me Who's Pitching

abbott Now Listen. Who Is Not Pitching.

costello I'll Break You're Arm If You Say Who's On First!!! I Want To Know What's The Pitcher's Name

abbott What's On Second.

costello I Don't Know. Together Third Base! Pause

costello Gotta A Catcher

abbott Certainly.

costello The Catcher's Name

abbott Today.

costello Today, And Tomorrow's Pitching.

abbott Now You've Got It.

costello All We Got Is A Couple Of Days On The Team. Pause

costello You Know I'm A Catcher Too.

abbott So They Tell Me.

costello I Get Behind The Plate To Do Some Fancy Catching, Tomorrow's Pitching On My Team And A Heavy Hitter Gets Up. Now The Heavy Hitter Bunts The Ball. When He Bunts The Ball, Me, Being A Good Catcher, I'm Gonna Throw The Guy Out At First. So I Pick Up The Ball And Throw It To Who

abbott Now That's The First Thing You've Said Right.

costello I Don't Even Know What I'm Talking About! Pause

abbott That's All You Have To Do.

costello Is To Throw The Ball To First Base.

abbott Yes!

costello Now Who's Got It

abbott Naturally. Pause

costello Look, If I Throw The Ball To First Base, Somebody's Gotta Get It. Now Who Has It

abbott Naturally.

costello Who

abbott Naturally.

costello Naturally

abbott Naturally.

costello So I Pick Up The Ball And I Throw It To Naturally.

abbott No You Don't You Throw The Ball To Who.

costello Naturally.

abbott That's Different.

costello That's What I Said.

abbott You're Not Saying It...

costello I Throw The Ball To Naturally.

abbott You Throw It To Who.

costello Naturally.

abbott That's It.

costello That's What I Said!

abbott You Ask Me.

costello I Throw The Ball To Who

abbott Naturally.

costello Now You Ask Me.

abbott You Throw The Ball To Who

costello Naturally.

abbott That's It.

costello Same As You! Same As You!!! I Throw The Ball To Who. Whoever It Is Drops The Ball And The Guy Runs To Second. Who Picks Up The Ball And Throws It To What. What Throws It To I Don't Know. I Don't Know Throws It Back To Tomorrow, Triple Play. Another Guy Gets Up And Hits A Long Fly Ball To Because. Why I Don't Know! He's On Third And I Don't Give A Darn!

abbott What

costello I Said I Don't Give A Darn!

abbott Oh, That's Our Shortstop.

costello (Makes Screaming Sound)