Lyrics:

[includes a quote from Tell Me You Love Me]
Mark: I mean really. ..
Howard: Rant-rant-rant-rt-rt-rt-rant-nt. ..
Mark: You are. .. You gotta tell me something. .. I mean, seriously, I'm tellin' you, this is the first time that any of my girlfriends and I have ever met anybody reallyfrom Hollywood. .. I mean. .. Really my girlfriend Jim and Ian and. .. Aynsley and Bob and. .. Frank. .. I mean, none of us. .. We've never. ..
Howard: Pleased to meet you. ..
Ian: Hi Howie
Mark: We've never met a pop star from Hollywood. .. Tell me something: have you ever met Davy Jones. .. Or. ..
Howard: No. ..
Mark: .. . Or Bobby Sherman?
Howard: No, I. ..
Mark: I mean. .. David Cassidy, he's so. ..
Howard: No. .. Jimmy Greenspoon, and once I. ..
Mark: Three Dog Night?
Howard: Yeah. ..
Mark: Oh! I love them! They're my favorite band! Oh gawd. .. Oh, do you like my new car. .. ? My dad just gave it to me for graduation
Howard: Oh, yeah. .. ! It's A. .. It's a Fillmore, isn't it? Real futuristic, ah. .. I dig the fins. .. Listen: do you know how to get to the, ah, Holiday Inn from here?
Mark: No, ah. .. Which one is it?
Howard: (Burp) .. . Excuse me. .. It's. .. It's. .. It's the one by the airport. .. You know. .. 'cause we gotta. .. We gotta get up early an'. .. Fly outta here in the morning, you know?
Mark: Oh! Oh, I didn't know that. ..
(Oh, yeah!)
Mark: Where. .. Where d'you guys play tomorrow night? I mean. .. I'd like to come maybe. .. In your bus or somethin'...
Howard: Yeah?
(In the bus!)
Howard: Come in the bus, huh? Tomorrow we're in ah, let's see. .. Tierra del Fuego
Mark: Oh. .. You're so professional, Howie!
Howard: Oh, it's not. ..
Mark: Howie, I mean. ..
Howard: It's nothing. ..
Mark: I mean the way you're gettin' to P. .. To play n all these exotic places, I mean. ..
Howard: Yeah
Mark: Tell me something, tell me and all my girl- tell me. .. Do you really have a hit record. .. On the charts now. .. With a bullet? I mean that's really important to me. ..
Howard: Listen, honey. .. Would I lie to you just to. .. Get in your pants?
Mark: He-Hey! Listen!
Jim: Hey, hey. ..
Mark: Hey, listen to me. .. Tell him: we are not groupies!
Howard: No, I never. .. I never said that. ..
Mark: We're not groupies! You better understand. .. I told Robert Plant it, I told Elton John, I told all those big guys. ..
Howard: Robert planet?!
Mark: We are not groupies!
Howard: No, I never. ..
Mark: Roger Daltrey never laid a hand on me!
Howard: No, I never. .. I. .. It's obvious to see why. .. Listen, I've never. ..
Mark: And my. ..
Jim: Howard. ..
Mark: Tell him! Tell him right now!
Jim: We only like musicians for f-friends, you know?
Fz: Real straight arrow, Howie
Mark: Really. .. Just for friends, Howie. ..
Jim: But we still like you
Fz: Yeah, we wouldn't mind coming in your bus, though
Jim: I mean, we still want to hear your record...
Howard: Listen you chicks, now didn't. .. Didn't you just say that you got off bein' juked with a baby octopus. .. And spewed upon with creamed corn. .. An' that your harelipped dyke-o bass-playing girlfriend on the backseat had to have it with a Yoo-hoo bottle or she went apeshit. .. ?!
Mark: Oh. ..
Howard: What's the deal, baby?
Mark: Howie!
Howard: Come on. ..
Mark: Howie, listen to me, all that's true. ..
Howard: Come across, like. .. You know?
Mark: I swear, all that's true, and sometimes I even dig it with a Dr. Brown's Cream Soda. .. Or a Cel-Ray! But. .. We are not groupies! No matter what you think. ..
Howard: No, I never. ..
Mark: We are not groupies. ..
Howard: You see, there seems to be some kind of a communications problem, honey, because I. .. I'm a lonely guy from outta town, you know, an'. .. An' I want some action. .. What. .. What I'm talkin' about is, I wanna. .. A-a steaming, succulent, ever-widening, gooey, drippy, runny kind of a hole with A. .. With. .. How shall I put this. .. ? What say we hop in the trunk of your Gremlin an' get our rocks off?
Mark: Hey! Hey-hey-hey-heyyyy. .. Jesus!
Fz: Very agile, Howie, very agile!
Mark: I'm in this band, man. .. I am in this band no matter what we do up here. .. You know. .. Now listen, it just so happens. ..
Howard: Yeah. ..
Mark: Tonight me and my girlfriends, I mean, we've all come here for one thing tonight. ..
Howard: Yeah?
Mark: Looking for a guy. .. And we're looking for a guy from a group. ..
Howard: Wow!
Mark: but he's gotta have A dick!
Howard: no!
Mark: and he's gotta have A dick that's A monster!!
Howard: waaaaaaaah. .. ! That's me!! That's me! Oh. .. Oh, you voluptuous Manhattan Island c***. ..
Fz: I swear he was a Manhattan Island. ..
Howard: Take me, I'm yours, you hole. .. Fulfil my. .. Wildest dreams!
Mark: Ooooh! Anything for you, my most seductive, seclusive. .. Pop star of a man. ..
Howard: Yeah?
Mark: Picture this if you can
Howard: Oh. ..
Mark: Bead jobs!
Howard: Oh!
Mark: Knotted nylons!
Howard: Oh!
Mark: Bamboo canes!
Howard: Oh!
Mark: Three unreleased recordings of Crosby, Stills, Nash and Young fighting in the dressing-room of the Fillmore East!
Howard: Oh!
Mark: One enchilada wrapped with pickle sauce shoved up and down in between a donkey's legs until he can't stand it no more. .. ! All this and more, Howie, including: an electric coolde pony harness, with fuel injection. .. Fuel injection. .. Fuel injection. ..
Howard: Oh. .. My God, I. .. I. .. I can't stand it! I mean. .. I mean, do you understand the implications of what I'm saying? I. .. I can't stand it! I can't stand it! I can't stand it! I can't stand it! I can't stand. .. Feet on fire. .. I'm going home! I gotta see my baby! I gonna. .. So hot! I can't stand it! I can't stand it! I can't stand it! I can't stand it. .. I can't stand it. .. I can't stand it! I can't stand it! I can't. .. Oh! Oh no! Oh. .. God. .! I can't stand it! Oh. .. I really can't stand it. .. Please. .. Give it to me. .. Give it to me right here in the trunk of your Gremlin. .. Give me. .. Give me the enchilada with the pickle sauce shoved up and down the donkey's ass until he can't come anymore!
Mark: Hey-hey! Not until you sing me your big hit record! And I wanna hear the big hit record, and I wanna hear it now, an' I wanna hear the big hit record now with a bullet! With a bullet!
Howard: The bullet?
Mark: The bullet! The bullet! It's the part that gets me the hottest. .. Now sing me that record, and I wanna hear it right now or you ain't driving nowhere tonight, buddy. ..
Howard: Well. .. I know when I'm licked. .. All over. .. Okay, baby: bend over and spread 'em! Here comes my. .. Bullet!!
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