Lyrics:

Greetings...
My name's yours...
What's Alaska?

Everybody, welcome to the show.
The rules of engagement are really quite simple.
So if you could pull yourself away from Grindr for two seconds, listen up.

The use of flash photography is strictly mandatory.
Do you think I look like this just so I can exist in your feeble memory? HA!
Take a picture and I'll last forever!
Get your drinks now, people.
The more you drink, the prettier we look.

Is this your boyfriend, honey? Not anymore.
Tipping is compulsory.
If you don't know what compulsory means, I'll spell it out for you.
Tip. These. Men!

It takes a lot of money to look this cheap, darling!
Be kind to your entertainers.
If you see a flaw, squint.
If you see a bulge, don't be mad!
Some of the most beautiful women in the world have gigantic penises!
If you see something you don't like.
Something unseemly or offensive.
Something vile or disgusting.
We'll be happy to take your complaints after the show.
At the corner of 'fuck you and go fuck yourself avenue.com!'
I'll see you there! Bring a sweater.

If you think you can do better, sweetheart, I implore you.
Put on a wig and mash your mouth around to other people's music for 4 and a half minutes.
It's not as easy as it looks!
Do you need a hairpiece? Here, you can borrow mine!

Show generosity to these monstrosities!
Respect, kindness, compassion!
And most of all.
Whenever possible.
Tell us we look gorgeous.
Tell us we look gorgeous.
Tell me I look gorgeous!
Do I look gorgeous? (YEAH!)
Okay, but how about sexy? (YEAH!)
Okay, alright, but how about sensual? (YEAH!)
Alright, but how about breathtaking? Jeez! (YEAH!)
I swear it's like pulling teeth to get a little tiny compliment out of you people!
Now let's review everybody.

Your makeup is terrible.
If you're not wearing nails, you're not doing drag.
Don't ever touch my hair.
Anus.
I love your pussy.
Give me all your money.
Absolutely!
Come on nature!
Come on natch!
Come on build-up!
OKURRRR?!

Hieeee!
Hieeee!
(Wha- wha- wha- wha-)
(Wha- wha- wha- wha-)
Hieeee!
Everybody, everywhere.
Everybody, everywhere.
Hieeeeeee!
Hieee, hieee, hie-hie-hi-hi-hi-hi
Hieeeeeeee!