Lyrics:

When you've had too much to drink
there's certain things to keep in mind.
Like when you find your hand and underarms are bleeding
your beer bottle might not have a twist off cap
and don't ever go home with a woman they call Moose
or Vince
And never bet that you can fit your head inside a glove compartment

Get drunk with dignity
Keep in mind that just because a bulldog licks your face
its not necessary to lick him back
Stay away from drinks with names like
brain seizure or hippo laxative
Get drunk with dignity

If a bar has human ears nailed ot the walls
don't pass out there
and if your homemade jello has some goldfish in it
you used the wrong bowl
And there are phrases you must learn to avoid
phrases like
'that badge looks stupid'
and
'I can prove these shoes are fireproof'

Get drunk with dignity
try not to drool on bikers
Don't moon a nun
unless you got a real good reason
dont get romantically involved with farm machinery
Get drunk with dignity.