Lyrics:

Read all about it! Murder in Whitechapel
Down the Grave Maurice
Maf, a star of Music Hall
Gunned down mid-song
By unknown assailants
So I confess I couldn't bear being less famous
Oh what misfortunes in this day and age
Befall the Whitechapel music hall stage!
A variety PacMan, I swallowed his fame
There and then, when I gunned poor Matthew down

(Murder most 'orrible)

Maf had it all, the love of the public
The wit of Lennie Bruce, Bill Hicks, and Peter Cook
Beautiful women, a daughter called Ushka
A career in music hall, Bathshebas and babushkas
Oh what misfortunes occur in this age
You can never be sure you'll leave the stage
As you came on it
A fat Space Invader, I flattened his fame
That day I gunned poor Matthew down

(I 'ope you're ashamed of yourself)

Singer, philanderer, drinker and coprophile
Born in Batley, Leeds, adorned in orange rosary beads
'I am nobody' engraved on the bracelet
He wore around his wrist in Dickensian copperplate
I made my confession to Didsbury police
I'd hoped to kill Morrissey, but neither of us could get arrested
Oh what misfortunes, what sufferings and pain
I have brought upon the halls of old Brick Lane!

(Or could he be sane?)
(To my eternal shame)

Read all about it! Murder in Whitechapel
Down the Grave Maurice
Momus, star of Music Hall
Gunned down mid-song --