Lyrics:

[Jingle Bells instrumental]

Announcer: 'We interrupt this record for an important new bulletin'! Santa Claus is missing from the North Pole!'
Dispatcher Voice: 'Be on the lookout for Santa Claus, last seen...'

Lee Dorsey's 'Ya Ya' - 'Sitting here la-la waiting for my Ya Ya'

Announcer: 'Washington has decided this is a job for 'The Touchables'.'
Dickie: 'December 1961, at the headquarters of Elliot Press and 'The Touchables'.'
Sung: 'Deck the halls with boughs of holly, fa la la la la la la la la.'

Dickie: 'Sent to the North Pole 'The Touchables' learn that someone has launched a toy spaceship, sending Santa to the moon. Alvin' the Chipmunk said':
[Chipmunk] Crazy
Dickie: 'Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer volunteered to lead 'The Touchables' to the rescue. A new spaceship is ready for blastoff'
Mission Control: 'T-minus... three... two... one... zero.'
Chipmunks 'Chipmunk Song' - 'OK Alvin'... Alvin'... ALVIN! OK!
[Rocket SFX]

Dickie: 'Successfully landing on the moon, Rudolph and 'The Touchables' are surrounded by the Moon Men.'
Dion & The Belmonts 'Runaround Sue' - 'Hey, hey ooohhhh hey...'
Dickie: 'The leader of the Moon Men approaches Elliot Press and says':
Marcels 'Heartaches' - 'Yip yip yip yip werp-a-werp werp mumm a mumm mumm bohp-a bohp'
Dickie: 'Which translated means':
Ray Charles 'Hit The Road Jack' - 'Hit the road Jack and don'tcha come back no more'

Dickie: 'But 'The Touchables' are not leaving without Santa Claus.'
[Machine gun and space gun SFX]
Dickie: 'After a brief battle Elliot Press looks off and says':
Fats Domino 'What A Party' - 'I'll be back on my feet someday!'
Dickie: Meanwhile, Rudolph secretly leads Santa Claus to the spaceship. Out of gas 'The Touchables' harness Rudolph to the ship, and away they go!'
Marcels 'Heartaches' - 'Watch out! Here we go again.'
[Slide whistle going up SFX]

Dickie: 'A job well done. Elliot Press and 'The Touchables' turn to each other and say':
Sung: 'Deck the halls with boughs of holly, fa la la la la la la la la.'
Announcer: 'If you should look up in the sky this Christmas Eve and see a reindeer pulling a spaceship... chances are it's Santa Claus.'
Moon Man: 'Merry Christmas Earth People! [echoes]'