Lyrics:

21 Things I Don't Want In A Lover
21 Things I Don't Want In A Lover
If you're in this list don't even bother
Your one of 21 Things I Don't Want In A Lover

For a start I don't like dead people, or people who have been dead
I hate people who play raquet sports, They make me see red
People who have long showers, they're so selfish
People who have cats, who are cats or like the musical Cats
In fact I'm gonna have to lump all animals, insects and fish
Into one catergory otherwise I'd end up with
21 things and still have billions to go

21 Things I Don't Want In A Lover
21 Things I Don't Want In A Lover
If your Keith Richards or Danny Glover
Then your one of the Things I Don't Want In A Lover

If you've ever been sprung picking up boys in Government cars, allegedly,
If you've ever made crap television shows then there'll be two in the family.
If you've ever been sprung having sex with your best mate's missus, allegedly,
Unless I'm the missus - ha! - which I wouldn't be.

I, I, I... haven't written any lyrics for this bit

I hate Van Halen, there, I said it.
'Mission Brown' is not one of my favourites.
I once played God in a movie and I didn't like the caterer.
People who listen to music while making love, especially if they're wearing headphones,
I'm sick of meeting men with rare or pedigree cheese in their pockets.

21 Things I Don't Want In A Lover
21 Things I Don't Want In A Lover
I can't get close to you if your made of lava
Then your one of 21 Things I Don't Want In A Lover

I, I, I... liked this bit so much I did it twice

21 Things I Don't Want In A Lover
21 Things I Don't Want In A Lover
If your better than me on the harmonica
If you didn't buy my second album
If your one of those three members of Tripod
Then your one of 21 Things I Don't Want In A Lover