Lyrics:

Joining today's modern defence force is hard enough
First you have to choose
Navy, Air Force, Army,
Kiss Army, Salvation Army
Army of Darkness
But even once you've chosen you have to make the grade

I'm way to skinny for the army
Way to slender for the job
What can I do if my country doesn't want me
'Cause my talents only stretch to mini-golf

I'm way to unco for the army
All that running through car tyres
I guess that would come in handy
If you invaded a country
Whose terrain was all car tyres

But I'm skinny and I'm clever
Maybe now more than ever
The technology has caught up with me
If wars have gone all electronic
I could fight them with my joystick
As long as they bring pizza to me
Then I could be in the army

It's not tricky to imagine
Me in a bunker at a screen
Controlling reconnisence robots
Maybe mine detecting robots
Even robots who run though tyres

But I'm skinny and I'm clever
Maybe now more than ever
The technology has caught up with me
If wars have gone all electronic
I could fight them with my joystick
While watching McCloud's Daughters on TV
Then I could be in the Army

I was never good at Pac Man
But at Defender I'd light up the skies
I was never good at Frogger
It's much too much like hopping over tyres

And if I don't get in the Army
I could become an Evil Mastermind
Live in an underwater tower
And wearing shiny skivvies all the time
That would be fine

But I'm skinny and I'm clever
Maybe now more than ever
The technology has caught up with me
If wars have gone all electronic
I could fight them with my joystick
As long as they bring pizza to me
Then I could be in the Army