Lyrics:

Hooray it's Christmas time
But there's one lousy tradition
There's a certain show that you will see
That is all and many would agree
It is time to find another show to substitute
For the Nutcracker
I'm watching the game
But something's wrong
Staring is my wife
Her face looks long
I know that look, it must be me
It's not our anniversary
I shrug, no clue
What did I do
She stands in disbelief (What?)
This holiday scene brings no laughter
Forced going to see The Nutcracker
I try to block it from my mind
Think fast, what reason can I find?
Got work to do, I'll fake the flu
No chance, I'm done, I'm screwed (No!)
I've seen the Nutcracker twenty times
Sure it is fun if you are four (bum)
Don't call me a Scrooge 'cause it's a bore
The story's dated and that Mouse King thing
Freaks me out (Ahh!)
Well, guess I'm a guy, what can I say
I'd rather watch football than ballet
I try my hardest not to groan
And pull the score up on my phone
As I complain, 'It's not the same'
We're rushing out the door (Go!)
All holiday shoppers on the road
My holiday spirit might explode
Of course, there is no place to park
We're late, the theatre's in the dark
In no small feat, we find a seat
The show's about to start (Shh)
Here's that song from Tetris
And I know it's the part
When I fight not to fall asleep
March the wooden soldiers
Bunch of mice start a fight
Land of sweets, man this stuff's trippy
By the way, this story makes no sense
Still don't know what it means
After all these years
So confusing, feel like snoozing
Eyes are heavy, as I start to dream
Woah, I'm awake, must have fallen asleep
Guess I didn't snore or make a peep
'Cause my wife had no clue I'd been out cold
Is the finale coming up
'Cause there is no beer left in my cup
To make it through, I'll need another drink
Snuck out to the lobby
Oh, look, I found a TV
I forgot the game was happening
It's down to the wire
Time will soon expire
Down by one, this kick would win it
(Hut, hut) The ball snapped
(Oh, no) The kick's bad
(Wide right) No
(We lost) No
How could this night get any worse?
Now I'm feeling all depressed
But I still have to act impressed
A pirouette, oh wow, that's great
A six-year-old could do that, too
Saw my team lose at the bar
Now dancing dudes in leotards
Last Nutcracker hopefully
But my wife's thinking differently
She leans in closely, whispers softly
'Can't wait for you to take me next year.'