Lyrics:

Joe
this Is The Season.
my Name Is Wednesday, My Partner Is Frank Jones, The Chief Is Captain Kellogg.
december The 24th, Christmas Eve, They Brought In A Guy Named Grudge.
when I Heard What They Booked Him On, My Blood Ran Cold.
it Was A 4096325-Dash-096704 Not Believing In Santa Claus.

435 P.m. I Was Working The Holiday Watch Out Of Homicide With Frank.

frank
hang Up Your Stocking Yet, Joe

joe
yeah, Just Before I Come Down. You, Too, Frank

frank
always Do. Hung It Up Early Just In Case I Have To Work Late Tonight. Wouldn't Wanna Miss Out On When Santy Claus Comes, You Know.

joe
mm-Hmm. Sure Wouldn't. Would Be A Shame.

frank
whatcha Gonna Do Tomorrow, Joe Whatcha Gonna Do On Christmas Ya Got Any Plans

joe
nothing Much.

frank
why Don't You Come By The House, Joe We're Gonna Have Christmas Dinner. You Know, All The Trimmings.

joe
mm-Hmm.

frank
turkey, Celery, Stuffing, Oysters Maybe, Chestnuts.

joe
mm-Hmm.

frank
all The Trimmings. Cranberry Sauce. Love To Have Ya.

joe
mm-Hmm.

frank
the Mrs. Always Fixes A Plate Of Relish With Them Little Carrot Sticks.
you Know, Olives, Pickles, Scallions.
most Folks Call Them Green Onions, But They're Really Scallions.
do You Ever Notice That, Joe

joe
ever Notice What, Frank

frank
how Most Folks Call Them Green Onions, But They're Really Scallions.

joe
mm-Hmm. Scallions.

frank
anytime After Two, Joe. Love To Have Ya.

joe
mm-Hmm. Well, I'll See.

frank
love To Have Ya.

joe
mm-Hmm. Well, I'll See.

frank
the Mrs. Always Fixes A Plate Of Relish With Them Carrot Sticks,
you Know Them Little Carrot Sticks

joe
mm-Hmm.

frank
olives, Pickles, Scallions.

joe
mm-Hmm. Let's Not Go Through That Again.

frank
love To Have Ya. Go Through What Again, Joe

joe
how Most Folks Call Them Green Onions, But They're Really Scallions.

frank
oh. You Noticed That, Too, Huh, Joe

(Telephone Rings)

joe
homicide, Wednesday.
mm-Hmm, Mm-Hmm, Mm-Hmm, Mm-Hmm, Mm-Hmm, Mm-Hmm.

(Hangs Up)

frank
's The Matter, Joe 's The Matter, Joe

joe
bringing A Guy In On A 409635-Dash-096704.

frank
you-You Mean...

joe
yeah. Guy Don't Believe In Scallions. I Mean Santa Claus.

629 P.m. We Questioned The Guy Who Didn't Believe In Santa Claus A Guy Named Grudge.

says Here Your Name's Grudge, That Right

grudge
yeah.

joe
said You Didn't Believe In Santa Claus

frank
it's Hard To Believe What You Said. Did You Really Say That

grudge
sure I Said It. How Do You Know There's A Santy Claus
ya Got A Picture Of Him

joe
no, No Mug Shot.

grudge
any Fingerprints

joe
mnh-Mnh, No Latent Prints. I Just Know, That's All.
i't's Like Saying There Isn't An Easter Bunny.

grudge
that's Another Guy There Ain't No Of!

joe
mm-Hmm. Well, That's Your Story, Mister.

frank
joe, He Just Said That To Make Me Feel Bad, Didn't He
there Really Is An Easter Bunny, Isn't There Joe

joe
listen, Grudge, Didn't I Pick You Up Three Years Ago On A 1492 For Not Believing In Columbus

grudge
yeah! I Don't Believe In Cleveland Or Cincinnati, Either.

joe
how About Toledo

grudge
i, Uh, I Ain't Made Up My Mind Yet About Toledo.

joe
okay, Mister, I Get The Picture Now.
you Don't Believe In Nothin', Do Ya

grudge
nothin'! And You Wanna Know Somethin' Else

joe
what's That

grudge
i'm Gonna Get Up, And I'm Gonna Walk Right Out Of This Room, 'cause You Guys Ain't Got Nothin' On Me.
there Ain't No Law Against Not Believin' In Santy Claus.

joe
there Is In My Book.
let Me Tell You Somethin', Mister, I'm Gonna Prove There's A Santa Claus If It Takes Me All Night.

grudge
huh! Pretty Funny. The Police Department's Got Nothin' Else To Do.

joe
let Me Straighten You Out, Buddy. This One's On Frank And Me.
right, Frank Right, Frank

frank
there Really Is An Easter Bunny, Isn't There, Joe
you Know, Hippety-Hoppin' Down The Bunny Trail

joe
i Took Grudge Over To The Helicopter. Got In, Flew Around The City For Hours.
i Showed Him Department Stores.

what's Hurrying In And Out Of Those Department Stores, Grudge

grudge
happy People, But I Ain't Impressed.

joe
i Showed Him Stockings.

how Are Those Stockings Hung, Grudge

grudge
by The Chimney With Care. But I Didn't Hang None Up.

joe
i Showed Him Children Nestled All Snug In Their Beds.

what's Dancing In Their Heads, Grudge

grudge
visions Of Sugarplums.
but You Ain't Sellin' Me. There Ain't No Santy Claus.

joe
he Still Didn't Believe. There Was Only One Thing Left To Do.
my Job Get To The North Pole.

1145 P.m. We Arrived At The North Pole.
i Set The Plane Down, We Walked Over To Santy's Workshop, Rang The Bell.

(Bell Plays 'dragnet' Theme)

joe
pardon Me, Sir, Can I Ask You A Few Questions

brownie
why, Sure. Just Tickle Me To Death.

joe
what Do You Do For A Living

brownie
i'm A Brownie.

joe
what Are You Doing At The North Pole With A Southern Accent

brownie
well, The Boss Sorta Ran Short On Help This Year, So He Had To Recruit A Few Of Us Brownies From The South Pole.

joe
mm-Hmm. That Figures.

grudge
heh-Heh! What A Waste Of Time!

joe
could We Talk To Your Boss, Please

brownie
oh, He's Out. You Would Come On The One Night He's Out In The Whole Year.

joe
mm-Hmm. What's Your Particular Job, Mr. Brownie

brownie
my Boss Has Eight Tiny Reindeer. My Job Feed 'em.

joe
mm-Hmm, Yes, Sir. What Do Ya Feed 'em

brownie
well, Most Times I Fix Up A Little Plate Of Relish.
olives, Pickles And Them Carrot Sticks.
you Know Them Little Ol' Carrot Sticks

joe
mm-Hmm.

brownie
and Scallions.

joe And Brownie
most Folks Call Them Green Onions, But They're Really Scallions.

brownie
how'd You Know

joe
just A Stab In The Dark.

the Little Man Showed Us Through The Workshop.

brownie
my Boss'll Be Back For A Second Load Pretty Soon.
say, Would You All Like To Hear An Interestin' Story

joe
yes, Sir.

brownie
well, You See That Huge Pile Of Presents Over There

joe
mm-Hmm.

grudge
man, Look At All That Stuff!

brownie
would You Believe It They're All For The Same Man.
been Pilin' Up Here Year After Year.

joe
why Didn't The Guy Ever Get 'em

grudge
yeah! Why

brownie
'cause He Didn't Believe In My Boss. You Know The Rules.

joe
mm-Hmm. We Know.

grudge
i, Uh, Don't Suppose There's No Chance That This, This Guy Can Still --

brownie
get The Presents Oh, Sure. He Gets 'em All The Minute He Believes.
but I Don't Suppose He Ever Will.

joe
too Bad About That Guy. What's His Name

grudge
don't Say It. I Don't Want To Hear It.

joe
come On, Mr. Brownie. What's His Name

brownie
his Name Grudge.

joe
the Brownie Saw Us To The Door, Wished Us A Merry Christmas.
we Were Heading Back To The Plane When It Happened.

grudge
hey!

joe
yeah, Grudge

grudge
you Know That Guy I Said I Didn't Believe In

joe
who's That

grudge
s-S-Santy Claus

joe
yes, Sir

grudge
you Think I'm Too Old To Change My Mind

joe
you're Never Too Old, Mr. Grudge.

grudge
well Then, I-I-I Believe In Santy Claus. And Columbus.

joe
how About Cleveland, Cincinnati, And The Easter Bunny

grudge
yeah, Them, Too.

joe
and Toledo

grudge
i-I Still Ain't Made Up My Mind Yet About Toledo!

(Sleigh Bells)

joe
look, Grudge, Up In The Sky. He's Coming Back For The Second Load.

grudge
it's Santy Claus! It's Santy Claus!

joe
there's The Only Guy I Know Can Make Everybody Happy In One Night.

grudge
yeah. He Must Have The Biggest Heart In The Whole World.

joe
that's About The Size Of It.