Lyrics:

If the television licence man comes at a quarter to three
And fictionalized characters are becoming a reality
And the Channel 4 woman tries to spring a survey on me
What do think of Diverse Reports?
What do you think of ITV?
And you can stand back one to ten
And see, you, and it’s getting to me
And if you walk five miles just to see
Emergency Only and it’s getting to me

If the TV detector van comes at a quarter to four
And you try to explain you were just on your way out the door
And the church hall woman tries to spring a survey on me
What do you think of MORI-polls?
What do you think of Billy Cosby?
And you can stand back one to ten
And see, and you should know better, and it’s getting to me
And if you walk five miles just to see
Emergency Only, and it’s getting to me

Think of yourself with an old age pension
Scares the hell out of me not to mention
Genocide, homicide, five-a-side, suicide
Matricide, pesticide, law-abide, woe-betide